We’re in Bali – a fact that no one participating on this show will allow you to forget — staring out at bodies of water, surrounded by tiny monkeys, while Farmer Chris catches us up on everything that happened and, of course, that he’s there for the right reasons.

One-on-One Date: Kaitlyn

They visit a local temple, where they have to wear sarongs and be respectful, which they are. (Also: there are at least four nail colors named “Sarong So Right,” as I discovered on Google).

They follow this with a wander through Bali. Farmer Chris refers to Kaitlyn as his “girlfriend,” which bothers me a lot (I’m guessing the locals would lose interest if Farmer Chris explained the complexity of his situation).  They visit a park, where they are able to feed some of the monkeys. One of the monkeys urinates of Farmer Chris.

They talk about their relationship. It’s the same talk that everyone has on this show, about feeling confident about moving forward. Kaitlyn is quite smitten with Farmer Chris.

That evening, they have a poolside dinner. Kaitlyn’s nervous because she needs to tell Farmer Chris how she feels (she’s in LURRRVVVE). They talk a lot more about being less guarded. Listening to other people talk about their relationships is boring.

They determine, after looking at the fantasy suite date card, that they “deserve” this time together.

They tour the space designed to get them to have sex (there’s a bathtub full of flowers, a lot of liquor being chilled in various locations, and probably drawers full of condoms). Kaitlyn lets Farmer Chris know that she is indeed falling in love with him, and Farmer Chris responds, “I am falling in love with you as well.”

Sidebar: This seems like a violation of the Bachelor(ette) Geneva Convention Bylaws, in which the Bachelor doesn’t SAY that to his various contestants. It seems like a supremely uncool thing to say when there’s a 33% chance you are not going to “win.”

 

One-on-One Date: Whitney

Whitney, like Kaitlyn, wraps her legs around him upon greeting him which is irritatingly cutesy on both ladies’ parts.  Farmer Chris expresses great concern about Whitney’s commitment to her career.

They take a boat ride, and Whitney’s mind is on making sure that Farmer Chris knows that her sister is a douche who doesn’t know what is right for Whitney. She talks at Farmer Chris for several minutes about this. Then they make out. Farmer Chris again expresses concern that Whitney would not be a fit in his hometown.

Hey, Farmer Chris…ever thought of compromising a bit on your end in terms of what you are willing to do for a woman? While you are indeed good looking, it seems like you’re not such a catch, either, what with your insistence that someone move to your farm no matter what.

Farmer Chris sweatily asks Whitney, as they move into the dinner portion of their evening, about the next steps. Does she, Whitney, have any concerns about moving to Arlington? Farmer Chris then talks about how everything is a few hours away, and he spends most evenings hanging out by himself. Whitney explains that, while she wouldn’t necessarily choose Arlington, and she has worked hard to get where she is, she wants to be a wife and a mom. She’d give up the career that she has worked hard for without hesitation if he chose her to have babies.

Farmer Chris tells the cameras that he is falling in love with Whitney, as well. Then he gives the date card and the fantasy suite key to Whitney.

Whitney says that she thinks it would be great, and Farmer Chris thinks that it would be great to “take things to the next level.”

Again, the trappings of “time to do it” surround them in the suite. They close the curtains.

 

One-on-One Date: Becca

On Becca’s mind is her virginity, and she mentions for the first time ever that she is waiting until she is married to have sex. Didn’t know that, Becca.

Farmer Chris and Becca wander and look at locals and….I am still stuck on this virginity thing. Since when is she waiting for marriage?

Sorry. They visit a temple, where they are informed that Farmer Chris will be a good dad and that they should “make love” that evening on their big date.  Becca isn’t sure whether she should have sex with him, or how she should tell him she’s a virgin. Because Becca’s a virgin.

They have dinner poolside, and Becca’s a virgin. She’s talking about that quite a bit to the camera. She has basically told him – she’s never been in love before, she’s never had a serious boyfriend, she’s shy, she’s never had any feelings resembling her feelings for Farmer Chris – but I don’t think he’s putting the pieces together.

He gives her the fantasy suite card…also, Becca’s a virgin.

Becca lets Farmer Chris know that she would like to spend that time with him alone, and, as they sit in the fantasy suite, Becca lays all of the pieces out about how she has never been in love and she’s never brought anyone home to her family. She says it outright, “I am a virgin,” and Farmer Chris is like, “Ohhhh.” Then he tells her he respects that.

His response to this is basically the flipside of his finding out that Jade had done some nude modeling – clear disappointment and “What the f%^&?” followed by the lie, “This doesn’t change anything.”

It is open ended whether or not Becca and Farmer Chris took things to the next level, but they do shut the curtains.

 

But the date’s not over. Becca is walking down the beach, and Farmer Chris is very confused about where Becca stands, following waking up with her. He is, as he puts it, “terrified,” as he doesn’t know where Becca is about moving to Arlington.

There’s a lot of concern on Farmer Chris’s part about what the right decision is, so a visit with Unhelpful Therapist™ Chris Harrison is in order.  Farmer Chris basically likes everyone but it seems like he is a bit more back-and-forth on Kaitlyn and Becca than Whitney.

I will say it again: listening to other people talk about their relationships is boring.

The Rose Ceremony

There’s a lot of fashion cultural appropriation going on as we arrive. Farmer Chris is warned to “respect this holy place” that they have chosen for the rose ceremony.

All of the ladies are feeling pretty confident with the exception of Becca. Farmer Chris pulls Becca aside. They have a nonsensical conversation about how much they both like each other and how they want to see things grow and…I don’t really know what they are saying. Farmer Chris returns to the rose ceremony with Becca, and both of the girls are floored. Kaitlyn more than Whitney seems to be getting a very unpretty picture.

Twenty-nine year-old Whitney says that 25 year-old Becca is too young for Farmer Chris even though she, of course, loves Becca. He gives the first rose to Whitney. And he gives the second rose to Becca.

Kaitlyn is not pleased, but she holds it together. Farmer Chris walks her out and she is all, “What happened?” And Farmer Chris chalks it up to “things he doesn’t understand happening right now.”

Kaitlyn does look very pretty when all of this is happening. Flawless makeup, the hairstyle suits her to a tee, the lipstick is amazing. She looks like she wants to leave so badly and Farmer Chris just keeps prattling on at her about decisions and fear and love and whatnot.

Kaitlyn, can I promise you that relief will come as soon as you see Farmer Chris competing on Dancing with the Stars? And when your evening entertainment isn’t choosing between the wood-paneled-basement-from-Seven bar and watching the Hoarders Collection on Netflix?

Next week:

The women tell all. I expect it to be chock full of sanity.

The following week: The end.

Until then.