We open on a crowd of women who makes last week’s countenance of world-weary prostitute look like happy bunnies. Chris Harrison hands over the date card, announcing that “[Sean] sees his wife sitting in this room.” There are many intercuts of a comically bitch-faced Tierra throughout this entire segment, which ends with a date for Disney Princess Selma (DPS).
Sean porns around the bathroom of his accommodations like the relentlessly positive and goofy Patrick Bateman he is, and says, “This week I want to make sure the girls trust me.”
Then he picks up DPS in a limo and she begins guessing what they’re going to do. DPS gets in an awesome humblebrag about her weight, saying, “Do you think you can handle all 110 pounds of me?” They take a private plane… somewhere into the middle of nowhere. Selma is sort of priceless:
As one might guess, this is a segment of this show devoted to DPS overcoming these struggles. And she may want to rescind her earlier comment about “I feel like a princess in a castle.” (When she was literally a contestant on THE BACHELOR, riding in a plane). She comments, eventually, possibly in the middle of a complaint – that Sean “gave me this adrenaline and he gave me this courage.”
She reaches the top of the summit with aplomb.
Forgive me for not being moved.
They go out to dinner at a mysterious retro trailer park where there, is of course, a couch in the middle of all of it where they have a glass of wine and they talk about her being Arabic, having strict parents who are freaked out at the idea of her being kissed on national television, so Sean can’t kiss her.The cynic in me is wondering if he is going to eventually dump her for not making out. He gives her a rose. He says he is “crazy” about her. He is a fool for love.
Next up: Group date to the roller derby. Before they arrive, Drunk Bride Lindsay theorizes that they are going to get into giant hamster balls and roll down a hill. Even if I were not in the future, I would know that this was utterly insane, even for The Bachelor.
As they arrive, Sarah speculates, “I don’t think having one arm is going to hold me back today.” Oh, but it WILL, Sarah. And it’s heartbreaking, but she overcomes and gets out there and skates. Amanda, who has been pretty stable and smiley so far this episode, lies to all of the girls and says she’s skated derby before. She giggles, “Robyn can’t event stand up straight. I’m totally in her head.” There’s my sociopath! I knew you weren’t far.
But…karma being a bitch, Amanda falls on her face and possibly fractures her jaw. Smelling a lawsuit, Sean determines that it is best that they just free-skate to 1980s music. Specifically, “Foolish Heart” by Steve Perry.
This is followed by dressed-up drinks. Tierra interviews, “I want to feel closer to Sean, but when I have all these girls in the way, I just lose my mind.” She follows this with looking enraged when Amanda shows up not-dead. Tierra comments that the entire thing is “fustrating”(I spell it the way she said it.) She marches to wherever Sean is – and wherever he is, he is making out with Drunk Bride Lindsay – and asks to see him. Betwixt this, she has a glorious Gen Y, grade-A tantrum containing the following statements:
Sean totally digs this whining, entitled weakness and gives her a rose to make sure she knows how he is, again, “crazy” about her. She smirks to herself once he leaves, evilly.
I link to an example of negative reinforcement.
A card comes to the house. Leslie H. gets a solo date, and I get out the Sharpie to cross Michaela’s face off of my scorecard. With the date, she gets a pair of diamond earrings, and comments, “This is like Pretty Woman.” You know. The movie about the prostitute whose roommate spends all of their rent money on drugs.
Sean picks Leslie up in a sporty convertible. Other girls are commenting as they leave, “It’s like Pretty Woman.” They go shopping on Rodeo Drive, because, as Sean points out, this is a fantasy for women. Like in Pretty Woman, where the best friend of her John beats her up for not being willing to sleep with him.
Leslie gets a spangly dress at Badgley Mischka and comments, as they pick out shoes and a purse, “Sean is a sexy, young blue-eyed Richard Gere. And I am a tan Julia Roberts.” Just like in that movie where a girl turned tricks for money because it was the only way she could make ends meet, while living on Sunset Boulevard and struggling to decide whether or not to work with a pimp.
“I feel like I’m in a fairy tale.” You know, that fairy tale where the girl bargains $3,000 for a week of making herself sexually available to an emotionally stunted businessman.
The magic is not there between them, Sean comments, and he dangles the rose in front of her then cruelly yanks it away and sends her packing. Leslie disappears in a limo. Just like in Pretty Woman.
As the handsome, handsome son of Carly Simon and James Taylor, Ben Taylor, plays the Sade song “By Your Side,” he comments that stuff is getting real and he dramatically drops the rose off a balcony.
Tierra smirks that she has her rose at the start of Week 4’s Cocktail Party from Hell. We are mercifully approaching the end of this episode. Sean spends some quality time with AshLee, who I love. Robyn approaches with the pickup line, “I know you’ve heard this a thousand times today, but how are you?” Has he? From who? She asks him – again – if he likes the taste of chocolate. They make out.
Later, Tierra pulls Jackie (I think? I don’t know her name. She’ll be gone soon) and Robyn aside and says, “I want to apologize for how it went down earlier this week.” She continues, in her meaningful apology: “You kind of attacked me and it was not fair. I’ve never not liked you and it’s your bad for assuming that.” Other amazingly un-self-aware and, I am noticing, DISTURBINGLY violent comments from Tierra:
Tierra later giggles to Sean that she “hates drama,” and that, for reasons unbeknownst to her, girls have a hard time accepting her for who she is.
Undoubtedly, it is everyone else’s problem.
Sean then makes out with Catherine, who I also think will be gone soon.
Onto the rose ceremony.
Catherine (what do I know, anyway?)
Drunk Bride Lindsay
Lesley M. (rocking some dope red lipstick)
Jackie (again, what do I know?)
Daniela (wow, they set me up this time. I did not see that coming).
Going home: My beloved sociopath Amanda. I pour one out for her tonight.
Her exit interview sounds so flat, I am utterly unconvinced that she cares.
Next week: Two episodes over two nights. Are you trying to kill me, ABC? Also: Tierra’s showcasing some insanity and symptoms of hypothermia.
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