So tonight’s episode will “stop my heart” according to the voiceover. You know what would stop my heart? If one of these girls was all, “I’ve made $30,000 for being on a reality show, I’m 24 years old, why don’t I go travel the world instead of staying here to fight for a relationship that probably isn’t going to work out, and meet someone when I’m older?”
However, they arrive in St. Croix and the best rule of the show that can be broken is that Sean decides to fly everyone in on the same plane. Baby steps.
They set up lodging at the Bucaneer Hotel, where, in lieu of sharing a room with another woman, Voltron sets up a cot for herself in a hallway somewhere. Probably so she can say that no one likes her and she has to sleep in the hallway.
One on One Date #1: AshLee
AshLee gets the date card. Voltron responds by singing a taunting little musical number to the ancient thirty-two year-old Ashlee, “The Cougar’s Back in Town.” Then she comments, “I want to be married with kids and have my family set. You’re 32 years old. Why haven’t you settled down?” Voltron just lost my last iota of compassion.
They frolic on the beach. Sean comments, “Ever since AshLee allowed me to lead her blindfolded…,” an opening that I definitely hear every day.
They say a bunch of stuff they definitely will not mean in six weeks, and then they make out, From Here to Eternity style.
Following this, for the sit down near fire with a glass of wine portion of the date, AshLee drops a bombshell about how she ran away and got married when she was a junior in high school (and eventually got divorced).
Sean responds with a, “Oh, that’s not terrible,” and then they make out. Then AshLee yells at the moon, “I LOVE SEAN.” And Sean’s all, “That’s nice.” And then they make out.
One-on-One Date 2: Voltron
Voltron gets a solo date but it is bittersweet. Because she will likely be attacked by bugs and her makeup will run, and she thought her one-on-one date would be on a boat or something.
On the date, which is walking around St. Croix, Voltron comments, “I’m hot, I’m gross, I’m thirsty,” but then says, “Shopping is one of my favorite things to do,” when they go shopping in the marketplace.
Sean asks some softball questions of Voltron and her poor relationships with everyone she meets. She says something that she’s said before about people being jealous and being there for the right reasons. They do dinner on the beach, and Voltron feels that the vibe is off between them. She confronts it by stringing together a sentence of buzzwords and then gazes up at him. He takes the bait, and then they sit on a dock and make out and she tells him that she loves him. Again, Sean demurs to respond, saying, “I had fun with you.”
Group Date: Desiree, Drunk Bride Lindsay, Catherine
Sean wakes up everyone at 4 AM with a camera and takes pictures of each girl sans makeup. For the record: I am pretty sure all of them are wearing makeup.
Their date starts by viewing the sunrise, and they will drive across St. Croix through the course of the day, ending the day on the other side of the island at sunset.
Things that happen on this date that is described as “perfect” by Drunk Bride Lindsay and is boring beyond belief to watch at home.
Desiree works it hard. They make out.
Sean and Drunk Bride Lindsay recount their lengthy relationship. And then they make out.
Catherine reveals that her dad is battling depression and won’t be there. They probably made out.
However, Drunk Bride Lindsay wins the day and gets the rose. Sean says, “We’ve got to catch the sunset.”
Desiree says, sadly, looking at the clouded-over sky, “There is no sunset.”
Nonetheless, they clink glasses.
One-on-One Date 3: Lesley
I am now convinced that someone on The Bachelor crew ran away with the “date budget” petty cash, stealing the official ABC Date helicopter.
Lesley says that she is in love with him to the confessional camera, but can’t bring herself to say it to his face. Sean recognizes that Lesley is tense, and thinks it is cute, but wants to move past it into the make out zone.
Fortunately, the making out happens shortly thereafter.
The Battle Royale
I will do my best to describe the fight.
The ladies talk about what is going to happen with Voltron, who has been exhibiting some fiercely antisocial behaviors. A lot of awkward, likely staged conversations about “What’s gonna happen” and “when’s Voltron going to talk to her about it” and “Sean doesn’t see it.”
Sean’s sister Shay shows up (as if she just walked off the beach and ran into him) to give him advice. She reminds him of the warning that if a girl can’t be friends with the other girls, she shouldn’t stick around. She doesn’t want to be watching this unfold and be all, “No, not that one!”
Oh, but you will, Shay. You will.
Back at the house, Voltron confronts AshLee about her “sabotage” and says that all of the girls have been trying to sabotage her. Some of the following things are said in events that are more head-slapping than “heart-stopping”:
Sean shows up in the knick of time to see Voltron burst into crumpleface non-existent theater tears about how mean the other girls are.
Sean steps outside and thinks. Then, he steps inside and does the most reasonable thing that has been done in the history of The Bachelor: giving the situation dignity, he says, “Voltron, perhaps you should leave.”
He interviews: “Today it just clicked that she is not the one for me and I have to send her home.”
He puts Voltron in a van and, owning her own behavior entirely, she wails, “I can’t believe they did this to me. I hope the girls got what they wanted.”
Mistaking this for American Idol, she says, “I will not let them take my sparkle away.”
Catch you at the reunion, Voltron, and thanks for the memories.
The World’s Worst Cocktail Party (Canceled due to madness and subsequent sane decision-making)
The girls discuss what is gong on with Voltron. Sean enters, beaming. The weight of the world off his shoulders, he says, “As you may or may not know, Voltron went home tonight.” Everyone looks way too happy.
Then, in another moment of sanity so sane it is insane, Sean says, “Voltron is obviously a source of drama, and I am not looking for that in a partner.”
Girls being girls, they sit and work on translating why this is. AshLee anxiously rationalizes her behavior as they walk into the rose ceremony, recognizing her role in Voltron’s departure.
Chris Harrison intones, “This is a huge rose ceremony. The 4 of you who leave here with roses tonight will be taking Sean back to your family.”
Drunk Bride Lindsay
Catherine (I really should have learned her name earlier)
AshLee explains that this rose represents trust and that Sean is her husband.
Catherine is devastated by Lesley’s departure. “If he doesn’t want Lesley, I don’t know why I am here.” If I stopped writing to try to understand what this meant, I would sit on my couch until my laptop battery died and I would not change my clothes for at least a week.
Next week: Family! Puppies! Making out! Fish market! Marching! Sister fighting! Small chairs! “You’re crazy about a lot of girls, aren’t you”! Desiree’s intense brother!
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