Just for fun: Jess quoted in the What’s In / What’s OUT section of People. I’m resisting the urge to type “tehe” right now.
It’s been a crazy week here at dah headquarters (aka our laptops and iPhones). The book party was a huge success. We had over 500 people RSVP and more than 300 show up. So, you know what guys? That’s called a party.
Thanks and love to all who were there in person and in spirit.
We’ve also been all over the press this week. Amazing, everyone’s amazing.
So what if you’re dateless every Friday night? A new book about modern “techno-romance” says men are everywhere for the picking—you just have to open your eyes.
The Village Voice
“[Dating & Hookup] stands poised to become the next big ladybook.”
“If you’re a single woman and you’re looking for love, forget about ‘The Rules’ and stop worrying that ‘He’s just not that into you.’ That was then, this is now…So go forth and dah!”
The New York Examiner
It’s the common lament of single women – where are the single, available men? Well, what if your existing social circle held the answer to that question?
This week’s dah guy is…well, he’s kind of a jerk. But hey, sometimes men are jerks, right? We might as well push our insecurities deep down inside and hear what they have to say about our post-dating quandaries, too.
So now, a jerk’s advice on attracting men, reading into that ambiguous Facebook chat, and turning your (overly) friendly neighborhood handyman into something more!
To submit your questions for next week’s guy, email us at [email protected] with “Ask a dah Guy” in the subject line!
Question #1: How can I get men to approach me? I’m a very friendly and talkative woman, and I’m attractive (according to the men I’ve been with, my friends, etc. – I promise, I’m not being egotistic or delusional – I’m just a normal, attractive person!). But when I go out with my friends, guys always talk to everyone else but me. I even try talking to them first, but they either seem uninterested in talking to me, or they just don’t say much and the conversation dies.
If this helps, I got out of a six-year relationship about a year ago, so I might still be a little rusty. Help! I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong.
I have to be honest, this question really puzzles me. I’m stumped on the first one already! If what you say is true, then this hardly makes any sense…
…which is why I’m going to assume that you’re not an attractive person. Hey, I know, I’m a big jerk – but you can take solace in the fact that I have no idea what you actually look like, so, really, it’s all speculation.
Look, if you were an attractive person (or outside major cities, even just an okay-looking person), I can’t see why guys wouldn’t walk up and talk to you. Why they would talk to every other girl but you? Or seem uninterested? Honestly, it just sounds like you aren’t that pretty. And sorry, but it can’t even be your personality – a guy can talk to a stump, if the stump was hot. That’s not the problem.
Also, I don’t think that your long-term relationship is the problem, either. While I commend your non-tramp-like ways, if a guy is interested, then even a little awkwardness isn’t going to stop him, ever. EVER.
Okay, wait, I have one more theory. Maybe you aren’t ugly, but you just give off an unavailable aura. Some girls do this. Many times in my life, I’ve been out, approached a pretty girl, tried to start conversation with her, and then walked away once I heard her flat, ‘I don’t care’ tone. Maybe because you haven’t been looking for very long, you are getting bogged down by this ‘Not Available’ impression you give. That could be it, too. Let’s hope.
Short answer: You’re ugly.
Long Answer: You’re awkward. Lighten up!
Question #2: I’ve known this guy for over a year. I’m not sure what my status with him is – we have a weird relationship/friendship. At one point a few months ago, we drifted apart when he was dating someone. But when they broke up, he started initiating contact with me again.
Here’s the thing – it’s all online, mostly via Facebook chat. He rarely asks me to hang out, but when we talk, we have real conversations: he does things like ask me about my future and contact me on holidays and tell me when something important happens to him (e.g. he gets a new job, he’s looking at new apartments). We even talk about the other girls and guys we’re (non-)dating. But again, he never asks me to hang out, and I never initiate hangouts because I’m afraid it may seem pushy.
I don’t think that I want to date him, but I hate when he talks to me about other girls. So I’m just trying to make sense of all this, and I’m wondering – what does he see me as? Why would he want to talk online all the time, but not seem to care about ever hanging out, and want to talk about other girls so much? Am I his friend? More? Am I supposed to call him out on this or something? WTF?!
Sounds to me like you’ve been reversed Friend-Zoned! Dun-dun-duuuun.
I know what you’re thinking: guys don’t usually Friend Zone. So my guess is that he’s probably gay and doesn’t know it yet!
Hmmm… but on the off chance that he’s not gay, you seem to be stuck with a big problem. Although, if you don’t want to date the guy, then why are you wasting all of our time with this question? (It seems I have more questions for YOU than you do for me.) So if you aren’t into him, then who cares! Sounds to me like you want me to say that he really likes you, so that you can get your ego filled and move on. Man, I’m a jerk, eh?
Anyway my answer is: he isn’t into you, either. Facebook chat is a pretty non-committal way to keep in contact. It’s the new IM, and believe me, I’ve talked to tons of chicks who I don’t really care about on IM, even regarding personal topics.
I recently heard a great quote: “Girls fake orgasms, guys fake relationships.” Even though I didn’t say that, that’s the best piece of advice I can give you. If a dude is opening up about his personal life, the girls he’s dating, and his new job promotion, then that still doesn’t mean he cares about you. Guys just talk. It’s not deep or personal – it’s just some dude Facebook chatting with you. If he was into you, then he would AT LEAST ask you to hang out.
So you aren’t his friend, or more. Oh, and don’t call him on it because you’ll just make it weird.
Question #3: So a guy I went to high school with (who I havent seen in about 10 years) recently popped back up in my life. He lives close to me and has come over on several occasions to fix things in my house, since he knows that I’m a single woman trying to make it on my own. But while we talk and text a lot, he has yet to ask me out – even though lately, he has started to be more flirty and compliment me on how I look.
How do I know if he is romantically interested in me? And how can I get him to ask me out on a real date, or at least try to hang out with me without fixing something?
In stark contrast to my last question: HE TOTALLY WANTS YOU. I can’t overstate that enough.
Let’s say I’m handy with tools (I’m not). Let’s also say I can fix a toilet (I can’t), and I have an attractive girl living right next door (Who knows? I rarely leave the house). I would be over at that girl’s house EVERY DAY fixing/doing things. I’d be breaking stuff while she wasn’t looking, just to come back to fix it. I would be pulling wires out of the wall, stuffing up garbage disposals – yo, I’d even break a TV just to get an invite back.
Now, let’s just say she wasn’t attractive. You wouldn’t catch me fixing ANYTHING…EVER. I don’t care if she was a single woman with six kids. I won’t be over there under her sink. I won’t help her move, I won’t fix her house, and I won’t paint her guest room. I also DEFINITELY wouldn’t compliment her. I mean, telling ugly people they are attractive is just plain wrong!
So ask him on a date and get it over with. He will say yes. Also, because you’re a pretty girl, use it to your advantage! Get him to paint the stinking guest room, or at least throw your trash out once a week.
Image via DayTripsAtHand.com
This week’s dah guy is a self-described “terminally single workaholic.” Depending on the types of men that you ladies out there are dealing with, this might make him the best guy to tackle your post-dating quandaries…or the worst! You can decide after reading his thoughts on second chances, online dating turn-offs and those most tricky of sexual adventures – threesomes.
To submit your questions for next week’s guy, email us at [email protected] with “Ask a dah Guy” in the subject line!
Question #1: About three months ago, I met a guy and we spent two weeks consistently texting, hanging out, making out, etc. It seemed to be going well, but then he started pulling the Slow Fade during Week 3. Now, I’m not a desperate girl, and I refuse to chase any guy who isn’t into me, so I just kind of dropped it after a few delayed or ignored texts, and that was that. But just this week, he texted me again to tell me that he read this book and it made him think of me and how am I doing, blah blah blah. I texted him back (a little coolly, I might add), but he was receptive and started talking about how we should get together and catch up. So here’s my question: should I entertain this possibility again? Why would a guy who pulled the Slow Fade show back up months later? Should I assume that he’s a jerk and cut it off now, or should I hang out with him again and see what happens? I don’t want to be an idiot here, but also, sometimes life gets in the way and who knows that happened last time, right?
Right! Give a dude a chance to explain. If his explanation for the missed texts or calls and the 10-week lapse sounds insincere or dodgy, then whatever – I think it’s worth the free drink to find out for sure.
Question #2: My boyfriend has recently started hinting at the possibility of having a threesome with another girl. Yay or nay? I’m not automatically opposed to it, but I’ve heard that it’s a guaranteed relationship ruiner.
Not being opposed to it and being into it are two completely different things. For me, regarding stuff like that, if everyone’s not into it, then no one is.
If you have already thought about it, then, who did you picture? If you really can’t imagine it happening, then maybe you’re just not comfortable with it. Figure out how you really feel about it, and then decide off of that.
Question #3: I just joined an online dating site three weeks ago because my love life was non-existent, and so far, it sucks. I feel like I should be getting more messages from guys, but I’m not! What could I be doing wrong? I can’t help thinking that there’s some big red flag in my profile – any thoughts on what that might be? Is there anything in a girl’s online dating profile – other than bad photos (mine are cute!) – that would totally turn you off?
(To preface, I’ve never done online dating stuff before…so I probably have a rather uninformed perspective on this particular question. But I’m a guy, so I’ll weigh in anyway!)
I would think that a dating profile should read like a driver’s license…WITH a couple additions…is that totally lame? Age, height, weight, hair color, eye color, general location, interests/dis-interests, and a couple photos of you doing what you love with people you love…and that’s it. It’s all about face-to-face, one-on-one chemistry anyway. Until you get to that point, what more do you need to know?
Image via jacibrenna
“Well I think if you really go out with someone for quite a long time you do get to know each other very, very well, you go through the good times, you go through the bad times. You know both personally, but also within a relationship as well”
“To be honest, one day I’m absolutely fine and happy and, you know, start legitimately thinking about the idea of having kids, and the other day, I’m like ‘oh gosh, no, no, what?’ I can barely keep my own schedule straight,”
“Right now in my life, I’m smart enough to know that I’m a selfish person right now, and I can be, and that’s OK. There’s nothing wrong with that. At least I recognize it.”
“That’s a big step,” she said. “It’s like moving away from home. It’s really scary until you do it and then you figure it out.”
There are many of stories about the love life of Oscar winner Tilda Swinton. The most common is that she lives with two men, both the father of her children and her current boyfriend. About love, and this situation in particular, she says…
“There are some myths,” she said. “The reality is so much more boring, fun and good, but so much more boring. People like to believe all sorts of magical ideas.”
Julia Roberts has three children with her husband Daniel Moder. What does she have to say about love?
“I believe that two people are connected at the heart, and it doesn’t matter what you do, or who you are or where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together.”
“I don’t get asked out. This past year, I haven’t been home, so who’s going to ask me?…
…I mean, I honestly think being single’s great. Being in a relationship’s great. It’s all about the timing.”
Quotes via Harper’s Bazaar
Image via Harper’s Bazaar
“…It was horrible…Of course it’s horrible. It was devastating. It really throws you. You think that your life is going to be one way, and then, for various reasons or whatever, it doesn’t work out.
This was something I never thought I would be doing…And there’s no way to navigate it. Nobody can give you the right answer. It’s never anything you want to hear. It’s a very lonely thing. It’s like the loneliest thing you’ll ever do, in some way…
…It was a beautiful thing…The falling in love and getting married and making that commitment…I think it’s nice to know that you’re capable of loving somebody in that way. I think it’s a rare opportunity…
…I don’t feel on the other side of it completely, but it gets better…It’s still there. More than anything, it’s just that not having your buddy around all the time is weird. There’s no rule book. I think it’s just time.”
Quotes via Vogue
Image vie Vogue
“That’s my move…it’s the pinch…you just pinch and slide…how else you gonna do it?”
The Badoo photoshoot is complete and 26 finalist have been selected to be on billboards around the city. Beating out over 1100 hopefuls, the final 26 are a mix of real New Yorkers, all of whom are looking to Badoo to help them get out and meet new people – fellow gym rats, wine tasting buddies, theater goers, or someone to date.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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