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Tori Telfer is a living GIF from Chicago(ish) who spends her days pretending to be a screenwriter. She writes social commentary for the modern creeper over at toridotgov.com.
Ladies, I still occasionally get the urge to update my Facebook status with dramatic song lyrics. But I don’t (usually), because it’s corny, and because when I do, I feel just like my junior high self, plastering AIM away messages with gems like
hello there…
the *~angel~* from my ++NiGhTmArE++
I mean, who didn’t secretly envision herself as the spidery temptress of Blink-182′s “I Miss You”? That’s just one of those songs that appeals to a woman junior high girl on a visceral level. We all want to be unforgettable–we all want to be someone’s muse, preferably Leonard Cohen’s Justin Timberlake’s (“shit so sick got a hit and picked up a habit?” um that’s cute).
The great thing about the following songs is that they’re not just about hot bitches or whatever the rappers are singing about these days. The women who haunt these lyrics are multidimensional, and who doesn’t want to be remembered in 3D? These songs encapsulate a type of woman who is both sexy and mysterious, good and bad, tortured and powerful. (Except maybe the Justin Bieber one.) And I’m pretty sure all these songs were written about me. They were probably written about you, too.
Every career comes with positives and negatives, not just for the bloke or dame who’s earning the paycheck, but for whoever is dating them. Doctors will be very busy all the time, but they’ll be able to save your life should you accidentally sever your femoral artery with a steak knife. Men who work in finance will make a lot of money, so you’ll get fantastic birthday presents, but they may leap out of their Wall Street corner office windows when their pyramid schemes go awry. Fanatical baristas will brew you the greatest coffee you will ever slurp down, but you’ll grow tired at the pervasive scent of roasted beans that lingers in their hair and the way they insist that everything has “oaky undertones.”
dahGRAMS
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