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All together now: “You’re hilarious.” “You’re my prince.” “I love you.”
Tonight launches – in many more ways than just my being snippy about the extraordinary redundancy of this show -the Heaven’s Gate of The Bachelor. Four hours over the course of two nights. Of excess, of beautifully photographed natural beauty, of magic, of face-slapping inanity, of a moustache-twirling villain named Tierra.
“I am SO NICE I will punch your teeth down your throat.”
Chris Harrison announces to the eleven remaining girls that they are about to begin the journey around the world for love with Sean…in Whitefish, MT. I am sure that this is where all of these girls were hoping to go.
Brand-new pairs of roller skates, for which Sean has a brand-new key.
We open on a crowd of women who makes last week’s countenance of world-weary prostitute look like happy bunnies. Chris Harrison hands over the date card, announcing that “[Sean] sees his wife sitting in this room.” There are many intercuts of a comically bitch-faced Tierra throughout this entire segment, which ends with a date for Disney Princess Selma (DPS).
Tierra is here for the RIGHT REASONS. To cut a bitch.
Sean porns around the bathroom of his accommodations like the relentlessly positive and goofy Patrick Bateman he is, and says, “This week I want to make sure the girls trust me.”
No game has ever been so important.
We open with a shockingly brief “What to expect tonight” – it clocks in at a minute, which means the chaff is ALL on the inside in episode 3. And again, the first shots are of Sean engaging in athleto-porn, stairmastering and saying, “I’m really digging a lot of women, and it’s blowing me away.” Color me stunned by this revelation.
Chris Harrison greets the ladies in the house, whose enthusiasm is now on par with a level called “world weary streetwalker” (down from last week’s “cartoon bunnies.”).
I caught up on episode 1 of this, the 17th season of The Bachelor, which has spawned countless US Magazine cover stories and enough marriages to count on two fingers, over the weekend. I shan’t recap the first episode, which comes in at a tidy 2 hours, but will offer the following observations:
- There are 24 women named Jennifer, all approximately 26 years old, who regard this meeting with Sean Lowe as their last attempt at happiness before heading out to the pier with their dance partner and requesting execution, as life has become a series of heartrending, worthless despair. Oh, wait, we’re in America in the 21st century where women can literally do just about anything, proudly and independently? Hush. No, we’re not.
- A girl named Lindsay shows up to her introduction wearing a wedding dress and then proceeds to get drunk at the World’s Worst Cocktail Party™. (Which, to be fair, several of the ladies do). She comments, after going in hard for, and being denied, a kiss from Sean, “Maybe I shouldn’t have worn the wedding dress.”
Part I of an unnumbered series of love lessons from Beverly Hills, 90210.
Let’s get this out of the way:
There’s really no way to sugarcoat my unmitigated obsession with Beverly Hills, 90210. When asked if I wanted to write about the love lessons of the show, my response was, “I’ll start with Season 2 and I won’t get through an entire season in one piece.”
Here are just a few of the love lessons we can apply to our everyday life, courtesy of everyone’s favorite West Bev 27 year-old juniors.
