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It’s the night a girl raised on the bombastic filmmaking of Oliver Stone has waited for. JP in ‘Nam.
Tonight, I imagine a world in which ABC was able to draft Willem Dafoe to be The Bachelor. He’s dreamy, brilliant, and likely has a better track record with GLAAD than our current bachelor.
This show is hell.
There are eleven girls left, and JP is, of course, excited. He is excited to be in Vietnam and he is excited to take it “to the next level.” Whatever that is. Is that a base?
One-on-One Date: Renee and JP Walk Around in Vietnam
Renee is psyched, and so nervous that her hands hurt, which I understand and yet, I don’t. Everyone remaining at the house is wounded.
JP mutters a bunch of stuff before Renee meets up with him. She is hoping that things move in the right direction, she gets a kiss, and a rose. They walk around, talk about the weather, and then he drives her around in a pedicab. In an act that seems vaguely patriarchal, JP gets her fitted for a dress. They shop for Camila and Ben (her son).
They meet for dinner, and Renee wears her new dress. She is adorable. She comments, “I generally like him,” which sounds more like something Sharleen would say.
JP enthuses, “Honestly…there could be something here.” He says a bunch of other stuff. There is a lot of talk about pages and being on the same one. They release some lanterns on the water, and JP explains why he is not going to kiss her (again). He gives her the rose.
Sigh.
A more compelling and harrowing tale that took place partially in Vietnam.
Side note: Renee keeps saying that JP is buying all of them gifts. I think that ABC-TV is buying the gifts.
Also, Renee? You’re too good for this.
DANCE PARTY!
Here’s my recap of Catherine and Sean’s wedding: On Sunday, January 26th, Sean lost his re-virginity, and it was not televised. The end.
And now: There are thirteen lucky ladies left. This week will bring the crazy with TWO group dates… in a foreign country.
Six-on-One Group Date: Electric Youth
Everyone goes bananas when Chris Harrison announces they are “going to the land of Gangnam Style…the beautiful Seoul, South Korea.” The girls can barely stop jumping up and down in the air to pack. Someone says something about a kimono, which would. Not. Be. Appropriate.
Once we arrive, everyone is just flipping out. “I love a new culture, I love meeting people, I love it!” says Juan Pablo, not talking about homosexuals.
“A whole new place, a whole new language, a whole new culture! I can’t wait to experience it with Juan Pablo,” interviews about six different girls. Dog Lover/Whore-Caller Kelly adds, “There’s so many great shoe stores!”
Girls LOVE shoes.
They call it “Futbol.” I call it, “I run up the field once and then demand to take a break.”
I feel like I cannot, in good conscience, ignore the fact that JP said some pretty ignorant, offensive, and downright bizarre stuff over the weekend. Two things:
1) I don’t think his opinion holds a lot of sway in American society.
2) I suppose I must respect his Sarah Palin-guaranteed first amendment right to say terrible things without any sort of consequences, as well as his first amendment right to blame being taken out of context. (Oh, context, how DARE YOU strike again!)
Here’s the deal, JP: You’ve really got no excuse for this kind of willful ignorance, being under 35 and living in a major metropolitan area. You’re not that old guy on that show, even though I would guess you have a shared revulsion of reading. Use your meeting with GLAAD for good, and I will recommend this pretty picture book as a starting point (you can also listen to it on CD if you don’t have time for the words).
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It’s fun music about how people are different but, yet, not so different where it counts.
(Kicking my soapbox back under the table to watch The Bachelor)
Doesn’t this look fun.
A note on spoilers: You don’t have to Google too hard (I won’t link to anything as it is just too tempting for the weak among us, and I am one of those weak people) to find some of the spoiler-related news that came out last week regarding this show. To which I say: You must go to your God with your need/want of this information and your willingness to enjoy my amazing, amazing recaps and the show itself. I am not saying I have looked at them (which is to say, of COURSE I have) but I will not reference any of them in my recaps because it ruins the fun (and since my brain is clogged with nonsense relating to Donna Martin, I don’t quite remember any of the spoilers anyway).
On with the show.
Juan-Uary Is Here.
Starting off: “Countdown to Juan Pablo” preview, wherein we see the “exciting” (note: NOT my word choice) behind-the-scenes casting process and get to know JP himself.
Key takeaways:
- Some of the reasons these women are applying to be on The Bachelor include:
- “I’m not getting any younger and my eggs aren’t getting any more fertile.”
- “I don’t want to be alone and sit and watch Golden Girls every night for the rest of my life.”
- “Like, I want to get married again.”
- There’s a girl who can stick her whole fist in her mouth (from a girl who can also do that, it’s an amazing way to get respect from others).
- Lucy, the Professional Free Spirit, throws her legs around Chris Harrison when he greets her to let her know that she is on the show. My dream of her being a smug nightmare is 100% alive, bitches.
No, seriously, this is Lucy.
- That guy who fake-live-tweeted tormenting a sick woman on a plane is in the background of several shots.
It’s JUAN-uary. Do you get it?
Dear Juan Pablo,
Is it cool if I call you “JP” going forward? Awesome. I thought you’d be okay with it. Have you started reading yet? I noticed that several of your candidates for a lifetime partnership mention Dr. Seuss as their favorite author…some of his ideas become complex (one of those books is about the arms race) but the words are usually simple. You will like that. Also, these girls uniformly LOVE The Notebook (the movie, not the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel) and are desperate to go to Paris.
I mean, who DOESN’T love “The Notebook”?
So while I am not entirely convinced that you were even aware that you were on a reality television program last year, fighting for the love of one Desiree (who probably settled, and good for her, right? Right), here you are, back for love.
Tonight’s episode goes to 11. Just literally, though.
You guys. GUYS.
- I’m SO EXCITED. I’m SO EXCITED. I’m SO…SCARED.
This week, I did a lot more color commentary reading than I usually do during my recapping. I usually skip it because my intellect hangs by a tremulous thread to begin with, due to all of the Real Housewives of New Jersey ephemera and Beverly Hills, 90210-related nonsense that consumes my everyday life; additionally, I like to keep the vessel pure. But I was curious about what people thought was going to happen. So here’s what I know:
1) The Bachelor(ette)’s foremost authority on the internet (NO, it’s NOT me) Reality Steve doubled down on his assertion that Des will end up with Brooks.
2) Brooks did NOT get on a plane, you didn’t see him leave to go anywhere, he just rode around in the limo. And I think, based on what AshLee said during last season’s “Women Tell All” (KILL ME) they keep the final three in place in order to keep the secrets alive.
3) People seem to believe that the only way Des will have a happy ending is if Brooks returns.
So the US Weekly tells me that someone is going to walk out on Des tonight. This is a two-part finale, so something terrible will be happening. And spoiler alert: it happens in REAL TIME.
Part I: Recapping the S$%^ out of the season
Not since Memento, or since the last Bachelor(ette) season, has an audience been reminded with such alacrity and confidence of what happened, like, five minutes ago.
Here’s a good tattoo for those of you who think you may forget what happened:
It’s the King of Chicago being watched by God, and God is being eaten by a tiger. NEVER FORGET.
Remember two months ago when this was all just fun and caprice?
Time to be out-macho’ed and crocodile-teared by the men who Desiree didn’t pick!
All I want to write about is this:
This is all I talked about this week.
…but Dating & Hookup readers deserve better.
We start off with what seems like the traditional “Chris Harrison and the Bachelor(ette) go to all of the viewing parties” segment. The viewing parties are filled with ladies who are drinking wine, cheering for abs, while their unlucky male partners stand by. (Sub in “Applegate Farms Chicken Nuggets” for wine and it’s PRETTY much what it’s like at my house). Des and Chris kidnap a bunch of dedicated viewers on their party bus. It’s just like Almost Famous.
You ARE home, members of Delta Delta Delta. Home is a tour bus.
The Onion wrote the TL; DR version of this review, if there’s just. No. Time.
Tonight in the Hometown Visits episode, it all gets explained, including how much these guys unconsciously looked for a woman who looks like their mother.
Zak:
We see Zak drawing on a notepad, feigning casualness as he waits for Des. He promises us, “Just wait ‘till you see my crazy family.”
Like this family, Zak?
Of course, there was wine waiting for them on top of the mountain.
Tonight, we’re in Madeira. We open with pretty much every dude interviewing that he is in love with Des and is excited about the hometown dates the following week. There are going to be three one-on-one dates tonight, and one two-on-one (where someone will get a rose, and the other guy will be thrown back in the pool of possible winners).
Jackie, Catherine (Sean’s fiancée) and Blonde Lesley from Sean’s The Bachelor season show up to hang with Desiree. Chris is “supportive,” Brooks is “fun,” Michael “challenges her,” Zak is “reflective,” and Drew is “the sweetest person you’ll ever meet.” There is a lot of girly talking-over-talking and giggling and cocktails! about how crazy it is.
Who will she choose tonight?
The Jamesening. Where the quest for reality stardom comes crashing down.
One-on-One Date: Drew
So all of the men are there, toasting, and Desiree continues to be sunnily optimistic.
Drew – so adorable, so intense – gets the date. They are going to explore Barcelona. (Another note of what I like about Des’s run on this show: each of her new city dates are greeted with her wanting to see the city, with the exuberance of a child.) They get hot chocolate and giggle and make out and follow it with dessert.
Drew has had a tough family background. His father is a recovering alcoholic, which Drew was cognizant of as a kid, and he gets emotional and Des gets emotional. Then Drew mentions that his dad has cancer, and how his father is so positive that many people in his life don’t know he’s ill (well, not anymore).