Jess is the co-creator of Dating & Hookup, alongside her childhood best friend Becky Lynch, and is the author of the book - yep! - Dating & Hookup. She never tires of hearing your post-dating stories. She wants you to enjoy your love life, and is full of advice on how to do so.
So you want to find love. But not just any love, right? Love with the right guy for you, in the right amazing relationship for you.
How are you supposed to do that these days? At a time when traditional dating seems to have gone the way of TomKat, Four Loko and Lindsay Lohan’s serious acting career?
“We all get into romantic ruts sometimes. Maybe we’re busy working hard, or we’re traveling a lot, or it just seems like we happen to be circulating in the same crowd and spending all of our time with the same people. Honestly, whose love life couldn’t use a little nudge in a more exciting direction?… …Here are 10 tips for boosting your dah and getting some of those ambiguous – but fun and intriguing and promising – connections going. Today, right away, immediately.” READ MORE of Jess’s advice at The Frisky
Dear Jess,
My last three girlfriends all complained that I didn’t criticize them enough. I know…what?!
I wasn’t sure what to make of that, but they all ended up dumping me because they felt they “weren’t being fair to me” – as though I was somehow putting up with them against my better judgment. The truth is that I’m just really laid back and rarely get bothered by stuff, so I’m not inclined to be critical often.
I would have thought this would be a Good Thing, but now I’m starting to wonder if I’d be better off being crankier and more judgmental, no matter how counter-intuitive that notion sounds. What do you think?
Love,
Too Chill For My Own Good
______
“Men aren’t assholes. But men can be assholes.” – Scott, 30, Healthcare Worker and WTF?! Interviewee
We Millennials are good at many things (modesty not being one of them, obviously). We’re especially good at, well, being good at things that other people assume we will be good at.
Let me say that in English: we Millennials are good at fulfilling others’ expectations of us.
It’s part of our whole overachiever vibe. We’re like one big generation of teacher’s pets. We love breaking rules, of course – but only after we’ve already proven that we can play by them and win. We prefer to be loved and appreciated before we strike out on our own.
It started out for most of us in childhood, when some random person would set forth an expectation of us – of what kind of person we were, or what we were good at. Our parents, who were convinced we were special but just weren’t sure how yet, would jump on that potential for talent and success and then encourage us to meet that expectation. Which we often did, and then some.
So a second grade teacher noticed that we could read faster than the rest of Reading Group 3, and suddenly we were being carted to the library every other day to make our way through all the Shakespeare for Kids and Boxcar Children and R.L Stine series (thus we became good readers, as expected). A CYO basketball coach mentioned that we had a nice free throw, and from then on, our summers were spent at sports camps (thus we became star athletes, as expected). Our mothers caught us humming along to the radio in the car, and next thing you know, we were enrolled in every music, theater and dance class in the county (thus we became talented performers, as expected).
Even as adults, we Millennials are good at fitting into boxes that others present to us. Thanks to the many varieties of activities, media and relationships that consume our lives and brains, we’ve become a versatile and well-rounded generation. We can talk sports with our Career Boosters, dance seductively with our Hot Sex Prospects, and compare favorite works of literature with our Boyfriend Prospects. We can fill lots of different roles and show many different sides of ourselves throughout our own personal journeys of self-discovery – all shifting in accordance with our surroundings and the immediate expectations that others happen to be holding of us at any given moment.
Which brings us to assholes.
When people are expecting good things of us – we’re smart! we’re ambitious! we’re individualistic! we’re fun! – our chameleon tendency seems to work for everyone involved. But what happens when we meet someone who is expecting the worst out of us? How do we react when someone is expecting us to suck?
Possibly, we turn into assholes. At least, it seems that many guys do.
The issue of guys acting like assholes has perplexed me to no end on the WTF?! tour – and it’s time to figure it out.
Dear Jess,
For the past month, I’ve been talking to, hooking up with and going on dates and/or non-dates with a guy who I went to school with. He’s really funny and sweet, and I love talking to him and being around him.
My issue: I just got out of a two-and-a-half-year relationship where I always put my boyfriend first. I am finally enjoying focusing on myself and spending time with my family and friends. I feel independent, and I couldn’t be happier.
Yet this guy asks me to hang out multiple times a week, and I find myself making excuses. He is starting to get a little possessive, and he gets upset whenever I don’t want to hang out. He really is sweet, and I can tell that he’s starting to like me. But it’s moving very fast for me. I really like him, but I am not ready to be someone’s girlfriend again (yet).
How do I ask him to slow things down without hurting his feelings or making him think that I’m not interested in him?
Love,
Girl Who Needs A Boy Detox
Dear Jess,
I love reading your site. Dating & Hookup, Non-Dates, Techno-Romance…they all sound so fun! And I think they’re very real, because I see my friends dealing with this stuff all the time.
However, I’m in sort of a different situation. About six months ago, my boyfriend of two years and I broke up. Long story short, we had our issues, but he’s the one who ended it. I really, really loved him, and I ended up being really hurt by how it all went down (he’s already with someone else – OUCH).
Six months later, I’m still not over it. I’ve tried to put myself back out there, and I go out with my friends all the time to meet guys. But once I’m out, I don’t want to be there. All the guys I meet just seem like jerks. And even when I start talking to a guy, I get weird – I freak out if he doesn’t text me back fast enough, or I assume that he only wants to hook up with me and I get upset.
I want to be happy and find a great guy, but I don’t know how to make that happen! Is it me? Is it the guys? Am I doing something wrong? Everyone tells me that time will make things better, but it’s already been SO long and I just want to have fun again.
Love,
Jaded in Texas
Dear Jess,
Here’s the skinny. I started a new job with these two guys who are friends. I really liked Guy A, who flirted with me from the start. But I was working very closely with Guy B.
One night we all hung out, and of course we started drinking. Guy A confessed that he had asked about me and was interested. But then he left the room, and Guy B kissed me (I was surprised!). I pulled back at first, but then I let it happen. I was pretty sure that Guy A saw it.
The next week, things were back to normal – I was still flirting with Guy A, and he was flirting back. In fact, we went out for coffee. Then we all went out for drinks again. And affected by the whiskey, I texted Guy A and said that I liked him a lot. He didn’t text back. Instead, as we all stumbled outside drunk, Guy B tried to kiss me again! And I pulled away. But then we kissed. And I’m almost sure that Guy A saw it again.
I like Guy A so much, in a sincere way. I still catch him staring at me at work, and we have great conversations. But…I fucked things up, huh? Did I miss my chance? How can I show him that I’m interested in him, and that kissing his friend was a mistake???
(And don’t tell me to stop drinking! Because I don’t, which is why the few times I hung out with them, it affected me so much.)
Love,
Mostly Sober Sally
“I’m offended by all the ‘supposed to’s.’ I don’t like women telling other women what to do, or how to do it, or when to do it. Every time I have sex, it’s MY choice. And if I wanted to go on some dates, I would. But I don’t. Because they’re for lesbians.” – Jessa, “Girls,” Episode 2
After months and months (and months) of deafening buzz, the new Judd Apatow-produced HBO series “Girls” is finally here! Well, almost here – it debuts this Sunday, April 15 at 10:30pm ET. And to listen to the critics, the press and the Twitter feeds of young women everywhere, television, comedy, and the modern female experience will never be the same.
I was lucky enough to catch the first three episodes, and here’s the short version of what you need to know:
*The show is awesome.
*Lena Dunham (the creator, writer, director, and lead actress) is a S.T.A.R.
*If you watch it with a friend, you will have to constantly pause your DVR to recount “that one time you sooooo did that, OMG, and it was just as embarrassing and horrifying and confusing and messy…and wow, why hasn’t anyone ever mentioned that on television before??”
Much has been said about “Girls” – that the relationships between the women feel authentic, that the Millennial sense of mild entitlement feels all-too-real-and-damning, that the sex is horrifying (and, oh dear god, it is). But here is my favorite thing about “Girls:” it takes place in the post-dating world that any WTF?! reader knows all too well. At long last, the post-dating world, warts and all (seriously, they talk about warts), is finally out there for everyone in TV land to see and understand.
Wondering why I didn’t re-cap The Bachelor this past season? Because everything you needed to know was already covered in this (shockingly realistic and hysterical) sketchbook by illustrator Lisa Hanawalt!
All season, I kept trying to care about Ben and his uber-dah. Monica might be a lesbian – eek! Casey S. isn’t over her ex-boyfriend (who unfortunately sounds like he is over her) – oh no! Kacie B. almost dropped her baton in front of the entire marching band – ahhhhhh, the horror! But truth be told, I just couldn’t get it up for this particular crowd. Hanawalt explains this season’s dilemma perfectly:
“These women don’t talk like real people! Topics of conversation are limited to Ben and feelings about Ben. If they discuss their work, political beliefs, or even a book or movie they love, it’s been edited out. Are they really this boring, or have the editors pancaked their personalities and erased their opinions?”
Except for Courtney, of course. That b**ch be crazy. And naked. Viva la skinny dip!
Anyway, check out more Bachelor awesomeness (and read why Ben is like “the creepiest camp counselor”) in the full slideshow. You’ll probably enjoy it more than the entire season combined. Sorry, Ben.
Oh, and here’s an idea – Lisa Hanawalt for the next season of The Bachelorette…? At least we know there’d be some laughs, right? It’s decided. She’s got my vote.
New York Magazine’s Vulture blog: Peek Into a Hilarious Sketchbook All About The Bachelor
The post-dating world is full of horror stories, if you dare to look at it that way. For every heartwarming Ego Booster, intriguing Networking-Non-Date and adrenaline-inducing Gchat conversation, there’s a blood-boiling booty text, unsolicited photo of some old guy’s junk (that Anthony Weiner, such a trendsetter!) and Chatroulette e-cheating session that can leave you screaming “WTF?!”
Any romantic universe that spins (wildly!) on an axis of ambiguous interactions, mixed signals and maybe-meaningful emoticons will inevitably be rife with potential pain, embarrassment and overall ludicrousness. But throughout all the layers of the post-dating world, there is one area that consistently seems to produce the craziest and most colorful horror stories. And that would be online dating.
Now, for record, I don’t hate online dating. Whatever my written track record on the subject might suggest.
Yes, I’ve complained about the sites’ tendencies to sell themselves as be-all and end-all solutions (marriage guaranteed!) to the confusions, quandaries and missed connections of the post-dating world. It’s true that I think the online dating process focuses too heavily on traditional and outdated norms of “dating” culture, often stifling the very romantic potential that it aims to create. I will continue to argue that those of us who are scrolling through the e-fray often need to make more concerted efforts to remain open to the romantic possibilities and day-to-day connections that might arise offline. And sure, my OkCupid profile (yep, it exists – dare you to find it!) gets about as much attention from me as my laundry does (read: almost none at all).
But! I’m not a hater. I promise! Our own site is full of happily-ever-after love stories that began on JDate, Nerve and Geek2Geek, among other sites. I just got off the phone with a future WTF?! columnist who recently embarked on a healthy and exciting totally post-dating sorta-maybe-almost relationship that began on Match.com. And I’m happy to endorse any method that brings more potential connections and dah members into people’s lives, especially when so many of us Millennials go through phases where we are too busy or focused on non-post-dating stuff to really prioritize “love.” So, viva la e-wink!
Yet let’s call a spade a spade: something about the process of online dating seems to bring out the weirdest in people. Maybe it’s the combination of what happens when you let individuals create their own sales pitches…and then put a lot of pressure on them to deliver on formal dates…and also leave them with the fear that they’re going to get matched with their bosses…who knows! But whatever it is about online dating, it often leads to unbelievable horror stories like the ones that can be found in The Awl’s “A Treasury of the World’s Worst Online Dating Stories.”
Folks, this treasury has got it all. Men barking like seals during sex. Women following up first dates with desperate sets of texts that would make even Kevin’s crazy girl squirm. Harvard snobs being incredibly pretentious (hey…!! just kidding, that sounds about right). A woman who respectfully turns a guy down after one date and then later discovers that she is the star of one of his online stories, where her alter ego gets “beaten savagely with a cricket bat” and killed.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! YIKES.
Not to mention the more somber tales of date rape, stalking and pedophilia. And the fact that, of the 2,208 people who responded to The Awl’s initial survey (sponsored by eHarmony, aka Jennifer Love Hewitt’s rumored new employer), only 18 had met their current partners or spouses online. Which again, is not a reason to avoid online dating – it’s just a reason to make sure that you’re cultivating the rest of your dah elsewhere as well!
So check out these stories, and promise me – and yourself – that you’ll never become one of these people. Okay? Cheers to post-dating sanity for all.
The Awl: A Treasury of the World’s Worst Online Dating Stories
Image via Cali4beach
Go HERE to check out WTF?!’s Online Dating Series!
Happy Birthday to ME!
Just in time for my **holysh**t!!** 29th birthday today, McSweeney’s has published “An Open Letter to People Who Judge My Single, Post-College Lifestyle” - thereby validating many of my (and quite possibly your) recent life decisions. Thanks guys! This will help me sleep better during my first night as a 29-year-old.
Dear(est Understanding) Jess.
What does a girl have to do to meet men these days?! Or at least, the right men. I am starting to loooooose hope. All of it.
The belief I once had in love, and all its power, has been replaced by bitterness after an endless string of one-night stands and stupid affairs. I can blame it on daddy issues, weight issues, blah blah blah – but really, I’m just stuck. I need and want to start the next phase of my life, yet…
I am 27, I want babies (damn it!), I’ve started my own business and it’s going well, I have great friends and a fun social life, and I even have an amazing shoe collection 
All of it is good. But, my oh my…I’m lonely, and I’m over going through everything alone. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. Men seem to want me for sex, of course, but I don’t want just sex – I want to be taken care of, in the same way that I often take care of everyone else around me.
Help?
Love,
Losing Hope in Lonelyville