Heather is a contributing editor at the-dah. She is a Los Angeles based writer, improviser, snacker, social media mistress, and aspiring adult. Read more of her food-stained stories about growing up weird at Terrible-Twenties.com, or follow her digital alter ego @MissHezah on Twitter.
Like many women of the Internet, I read this week’s feminist pot stirrer on The Cut called, The Real Reason Women Freeze Their Eggs. I enjoyed it, and thought it raised some interesting fodder for a conversation that needs to happen.
“I suspected that, for many, careers were a socially acceptable excuse; if you froze your eggs because you simply hadn’t found a partner to have kids with, well, that was embarrassing.
But that was the truth of the matter. I continued to date, sipping listlessly at glasses of wine in bars chosen because I didn’t frequent them. Many of my closest female friends were doing the same. That they were excellent company to be in — smart, compelling, beautiful — did not change the fact that our collective situation was a drag. The people and situations were different but the broad outlines were all too often the same: The dude was cagey. He acted erratically, pursuing and then retreating. He was evasive when confronted with our wants and needs, or agitated, or defensive. Sometimes he simply disappeared. Of course, not all of the men we met and dated were commitment-phobes. But the numbers were significant enough to present a serious problem for those of us who wanted a partnership and children.”
For a while, we were all screaming at single girls that the only reason they were still single is that they were choosing the wrong men. Look inward, we said. Are you choosing the right guys? Are you only looking for unavailable men? It’s probably something YOU are doing to yourself.
What girl in her right mind looks for an unavailable man? It just happens. The real problem is, it happens way too often. How can we tell women that the solution to their problem is to just not choose unavailable men, when it seems like that’s their only choice.
Its not us. It’s them. They’re ALL emotionally unavailable/scared of settling down/stunted/selfish/fucking around.
- Wish your life was different.
- Decline a party invitation because you just don’t feel like it.
- Cry over dumb things.
- Wear too much makeup.
- Have a day job.
- Want a family.
- Drive nowhere in particular at all.
- Listen to the same song on repeat for a week.
- Look up your ex on Instagram. Even their new partner.
- Buy something full price.
- Not understand “on fleek.”
- Want to go home.
- Not know what a popular new app is.
- Use a filter. Or two.
- Secretly want Internet fame.
- Not follow through with your New Year’s resolutions.
- Love your career path.
- Use Pinterest to play grown up pretend.
- Count blogs as reading.
- Push send on the text you know you shouldn’t send.
- Put yourself out there.
- Wear strawberry Chapstick because it smells like being 3 years old.
- Want to make a butt ton of money.
- Listen to sad music that makes you cry.
- Believe your horoscope.
- Let someone take care of you.
- Spend the weekend watching TV.
- Buy expensive coffee.
- Care about Klout.
- Buy into a trend after you made fun of it.
- Use social media to keep up with family.
- Feel like being left alone.
- Wish someone would throw you a surprise party.
- Selfie.
- Do life things out of order.
- Wear Uggs.
Image from Transformer18 on Flikr
Hey, it’s a cliche for a reason.
Love hurts
I mean…heartache is real. The worst is when your mind is taken off of it for a moment, and when you remember, it’s like a punch in the gut. OUCH. Also when you fall out of the tree in front of your ex’s place while spying on him in a rom com also looks pretty painful.
You’ll find love when you stop looking.
It’s true. If a watched pot never boils (MORE CLICHES), then focusing all your energy on finding a partner ain’t gonna happen either. You don’t have to be THE COOL GIRL, but have a little faith that it what’s meant to be happen without you running interference.
Butterflies.
Butterflies are real and they are a great appetite suppressant, amiright?
“Amanda Bradford doesn’t think her dating app, The League, is elitist. She prefers the word “curated,” the same way Ivy League schools and top employers select only the best candidates,” explains Business Insider.
Umm… girl, let’s not use euphemisms. It’s elitist. This is some straight up sorority girl booshit that just got $2.1 million in funding. It’s for a good cause though guys, “Ultimately, Bradford wants to match tons of power couples.” And, isn’t that what the free world needs, more power couples? I just wish Bradford had a modicum of self-awareness and understood that this truly is elitist. Just come out, say it, and embrace it. I’d respect it way more. Like, cool, I don’t agree but you do you girl.
If you’re wondering who the 4,500 beta users are, “Right now, the app skews slightly female, and its users often have advanced degrees. They tend to be in their late 20s; all have been carefully selected by Bradford’s team using an are-you-cool-enough algorithm her tech team built.”
Look, I was in a sorority for four whole years. I participated in grueling weeks of rush school for three of those years, which makes it pretty easy for me to sniff out some pretty obvious similarities between what I went through and what Bradford’s team apparently gets paid to do. #justsaying
“What do you do?”
“I’m a waitress,” I say to the boy who just bought me a Corona. I’m in Beauty Bar on Cahuenga Blvd, in Hollywood.
“A waitress? Where?”
“California Pizza Kitchen,” I reply without batting an eye.
“Oh. That’s…cool. How do you guys know each other?” He asked gesturing his beer bottle between my best friend and I.
“We went to college together.”
“Oh yeah? Where?”
“USC,” I tell him, because it’s true.
“Really? And you’re a waitress?”
No, I wasn’t really a waitress at CPK. I had lied because I was 22 years old and lying to strangers in bars was fun. I had lied because in 2007, my job in SEO was confusing to explain to people.
Apparently I was trying to dole out hard hitting advice about love, relationships, and dating…before I even had any experience with any of it. I found a journal of writing from seventh grade and uncovered a plethora of early essays and self reflection. For the most part it’s cringe worthy, but also somewhat endearing. One of my favorite finds is an attempted humor piece entitled, “The Do’s And Don’t When You Meet a Boy.” It should be noted that I was at an all-girls school at the time. I have transcribed it for your entertainment:
The Do’s And Don’ts When You Meet A Boy
12/15/97
I feel like we can all ride this New Year’s train a little longer and, even if that’s not true…I’m doing it anyway because we could all use a listicle of fresh starts, good intentions, and aspirational ideas.
This is the year to love yourself. This is the year to take care of yourself in small ways you typically ignore. This is the year to be the best version of yourself.
The better you are for you, the better you’ll be for other people in your life. Yep, that includes your love. Blah, blah, cliche but true.
Here are small, easy ways you can make yourself feel GREAT this year:
Don’t be one of those people who says they’re giving up on dating this year. Dating is rarely black and white so don’t go all or nothing on this aspect of your life. Just make some New Year’s resolutions to do it better this year than last.
- Put YOU first.
- If you feeling like texting…just text.
- NO GAMES.
- Let old relationships go. For real this time.
- Don’t read into long response times between text messages. PEOPLE HAVE LIVES. Also, you don’t want to be with someone who is 1.) NEEDY 2.) Glued to their phone.
- Don’t deactivate your online dating profiles.
- DO be discerning about who you go out with from online dating sites/apps. You’re special. You don’t need to say yes to everyone.
- Make the first move.
Last night I embarked on the last New Year’s of my twenties, which feels nuts.
It’s crazy to think that the turn of the century was a whole fifteen years ago – half my lifetime. I was fourteen years old, a freshman in high school, and I spent the evening at my new friend Jenny’s house with her family. At midnight, we wandered out into the street, partially to see if we could see any fireworks, and mostly to make sure there weren’t any visible signs of the world collapsing from Y2K.
And here we are, hours into 2015, and it still feels crazy. It’s never going to not feel crazy. Every New Year’s is going to feel like a punch in the gut reminding you of the passage of time. Where does the time go? Plenty of fun, interesting places I hope!
In honor of my very last twenty-something NYE, I thought I’d do a roll call of NYE past. Surprise! ALL of them include some GUY. ** I’ll include photos where available.
The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year for couples. Visions of holding your date as the snow falls perfectly onto your hair (that is somehow not a frizzy mess), cups of hot cocoa with marshmallows, kissing under twinkling lights, ice skating…yeah, those are nice movie-magic moments.
But let’s get real; dating in December can seriously suck. Everyone has preexisting travel plans, family obligations, holiday parties, and then there’s that whole gift giving business. All of these factors can put a first date in a really awkward situation. Navigating a budding relationship can be rough as is, but throwing holiday season road bumps into the mix can feel like a major make-or-break situation.
However, this doesn’t mean you should close up shop, deactivate your online profile, and decline offers for social interaction just to avoid meeting someone special, or just retreat into general hibernation. Nay, you should conduct business as usual, but proceed with caution!
Here are some helpful tips to salvage newbie relationships during the holidays:
According to Gawker:
Marvin Tramaine Hill II was arrested by Des Moines police yesterday after allegedly hitting his pregnant wife with a McDonald’s McChicken sandwich ”because he doesn’t like them.”
The Des Moines Register reports that when police arrived at Hill’s home Tuesday, he claimedhis wife was the one that assaulted him:
Hill said his wife woke him up around 1 p.m. with a McChicken in hand. He admitted to police that he became upset and threw the sandwich at her, then picked up some of the bun, throwing it at her again.
The woman went to the bathroom to clean herself up but Hill followed her and began recording her using his cellphone, which he later shared with police. In the video, police saw the woman knock the phone out of his hands.
Police apparently found Hill’s wife with “mayonnaise on her shirt and face;” she told police her husband “forcefully smashed the bun into her face.” Police arrested Hill and confiscated his weapons license.
Hey, let’s real talk for a second. This sounds like a far fetched, silly story but it happened to me! I had a similar experience. I can’t decide if this is comforting or deeply disturbing.
“Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits,” is a headline on Business Insider (but really content from the Atlantic OF COURSE because they LOVE faux science relationship research) that grabbed me by the lady balls a couple weeks ago. Having impressively kept the tab open all this time, I am here today to take a closer look at it.
Apparently, the secret to happy relationship is two things: kindness and generosity. Oh, so…just don’t be a dick.