Phoebe Robinson is the proprietor of Blaria.com (that's Black Daria, for those not in the know). She's performed stand-up at several major festivals, including the Bridgetown Comedy Festival and the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival, and she's written for the New York Times, Time Out New York and The Smoking Jacket. She's also appeared on TV Guide's "100 Shows to See Before You Die" and "25 Biggest Reality Star Blunders." She frowns upon you following her in real life, but totally feel free to track her every move on Twitter: @PRobinsonComedy.
Actress and former failure at Life (according to the media because she didn’t have a man), Jennifer Aniston, finally showed off her flashy engagement ring to the world. You see, when she announced her engagement back in August e’erybody was like
It was as though people were saying, “Yeah, yeah, you’re happy and shit, but we need proof that Justin loves your refurbished vagina. Show me that ring!” So Aniroux basically responded with, “S my D,” with this $1 million dollar, ten carat diamond ring. And now every single bitch I know is getting their Stuart Smalley on and talking non-stop about how hopeful they are about love and I’m just like,
Have you heard of the new Lifetime show Girlfriend Intervention? If not, the premise of the show is “Inside every white woman is a strong black woman,” so basically, four sassy black women make over white women. It’s unbelievably absurd, so my good buddy Jessica Williams from The Daily Show and I decided to do a fun man-on-the-street video and tried to replicate GI in real life.
“These [Chris Matthews & Rachel Maddow] are not people who have Black friends, who know Black people…Oh, sorry, except, you know, Lawrence O’Donnell and Bill Maher, who date Black gals. So they think they’re freedom riders.”
- Ann Coulter discussing White liberals during a Fox & Friends appearance
I had no idea that my white boyfriend was a civil rights activist. Here I was thinking my interracial relationship was like any other: hanging out, watching Netflix, and gaining “I’m in love” weight. Nope, sorry. Apparently, Coulter believes that just like Fight Club, there are very important rules when it comes to a white man/black woman coupling. Like perhaps that the first rule of dating a black woman must be to crash a historical reenactment in Colonial Williamsburg and rub your United Colors of Benetton clad Jungle Fever love in the faces of all these powdered wig wearing White folk. Okay, okay, so maybe she doesn’t believe all that; however, her implying that an interracial couple such as mine is rooted in him singing to me We Shall Overcome every night before we go to bed is not only ludicrous but also reduces our relationship to nothing more than a reaction against racism, and more importantly, a reaction against Whiteness. Look, I understand that she’s in the business of provocation as means of selling books so she she might not care about how her comments come across however, I think it’s time that she heeds the advice every Black mom gives her children when she takes them to the hair salon: “Sit your Black behind down and act like you got some sense.” True, Ms. Coulter isn’t Black, but the sentiment still applies.
And when most bitches remember that fact, they do this:
Granted, I also do that when I get a triple word score on Words With Friends. I’m like, “Ohhhhh, Karen gon be mad when she logs into Facebook today. Heeeeeeeey!” Anyway, the point is you’re dancing like that because you’re stoked that you don’t have to go through that exciting yet stressful time of losing your virginity ever again. Like finding that perfect Sarah McLachlan CD to play for mood music or find you’ve lost it for good, DVR’ing her SPCA animal cruelty infomercial, so you can play Angel during the sexy times later on that evening. That’s some super stressful stuff, folks, right? Well, Hong Kong is like, “You know what else is stressful? Your man finding out you don’t have a vacuum-sealed fresh vagina, so he whips out some spray paint and writes the letter “S,” which stands for Slutty McSlut Slut, on your forehead.” So to avoid that nightmare of a situation, Hong Kong came up with the HymenShop.com, which is exactly what you think it is. That’s right, #TeamBlaria, some women are basically purchasing McDonald’s ketchup packets and sticking it up their chochas, as Missy Elliott calls them, to fool their mates into thinking they’re getting a virgin. THANKS, HONG KONG! This is like the dumbest shit I’ve heard in weeks, which means that I, of course, am going to do a full investigation and breakdown of this bullshit. Let’s go!
Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries. Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra. Jennifer Lopez & Chris Judd. What do these former couples/publicity stunts have in common? They all used the gift receipt on their relationships to trade in for a different peen or poon of equal or lesser value after less than one year of being together. And it’s not just celebs. It seems like everywhere we turn, relationships are ending as quickly as they began. Sure, plenty of times, those two people probably didn’t belong together, but a lot of times, relationships don’t have to end or be as difficult as they are if people only knew certain things. So on the eve of celebrating my one year anniversary/X-mas with mah boo, I’d thought I share some Blaria-fied tips on how my boo and I have managed not to send each other to the left (well, technically, one of us would have to go stage left; otherwise, we’d be going in the same direction, but you get the point).
DO: Fart around him once, but no more than thrice, to normalize things. Look, farting around your man is like using sick days at work. You only get a certain amount and you need to use them wisely like for a mental health day or if you’re too hungover from last night’s shenanigans. The same holds true with breaking wind. You got your “I’m not perfect; can I just live” fart when you’ve had a stressful week at work and you emotionally ate that spicy meatball sub, knowing that your body can’t handle it, the “tee-hee, that was a surprise” fart, and the “tooting like a jazz solo on the HBO show Treme because I’m sick and can’t control my bodily functions” fart. In all three instances, you’re showing your boo that you’re comfortable with yourself and not high maintenanced. He will appreciate that you’re okay with being your real self around him. But be sure not to get too comfortable with it. Like don’t maintain eye contact with your boo as you toot out your butt:
This is how I remember being single: some days were awful like when your roommates used up all the hot water, so that when you’re mid-shower, the water turned ice cold:
While other days were amazing like during rush hour when a MTA subway conductor saw you running towards the closing doors, so he opened them for you and right before you step inside, you let him know how grateful you were:
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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