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Amy Aniobi is a staff writer on a funny TV show and loves writing, dancing and baking cookies. She created the web series "The Slutty Years" and was a writer for "The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl". Amy also knows far too much about online dating. For an assortment of non-sequiturs loosely based on New York, Los Angeles and her awkward love life, follow Amy on Twitter, @janiobi.
Sometimes you just know things aren’t gonna work out.
If I’m being honest, I knew at the beginning of the very first date. He walked in and smiled, and I thought, “Nice smile,” but I didn’t think, “Heyyyy.” That’s how I knew. It’s the “heyyyy” you gotta listen to. That’s your vagina talking. The former was just my dumb, rational brain, which, though usually to be trusted, is sometimes a surprising source of emotional error. As it was that night.
Guy With A Nice Smile (we’ll call him GWANS) and I chatted over drinks – three rounds – that rolled into dinner, more drinks, a street snack then one more drink (okay, a water). It was the longest date of my life, at least in actual time, but it felt like it went by in a flash, because the conversation was swell and he had, as established, a real nice smile. We also had a lot in common – both close to our families, both driven, creative types, both animal like-ers but not animal lovers (sorry, dogs), and ultimately both people. Also, we were drinking like fish. Of course we got along.
The many, many drinks rolled into a kiss around 1 a.m. And by that point, my brain and vagina were chatting it up, and both of them kind of slurred, “Well, sure, heyyyy!” and I forgot about anything rational I’d been thinking about this guy four hours earlier.
So of course there was a date #2.
THE SLUTTY YEARS is a comedy web series about nerd girls, dating. In the season one finale (“party”), Andi and Claire ditch their roommate troubles and go out — only to wind up at an awkward house party with Mac’s coworker. When Andi reasons that her lame dating options prove she’s a romantic failure, Claire teaches her that dating is not about the destination — it’s about the journey.
Please note, this article is not about fucking. It’s not about banging, bumping, grinding, humping, smashing, bashing or sex. It’s not about “O-face.” It’s about your “zzz’s.” You really should only read this if actual sleep beside another living human being with some level of romantic merit sounds like something you might be into you. If yes, then cool. Read on.
THE SLUTTY YEARS is a comedy web series about nerd girls, dating. In episode five (“try it”), the newly “loosened up” Andi deals with Jennah’s unexpected disappearance while Claire and Mac try to find an un-terrible photo for Andi’s new dating profile.
THE SLUTTY YEARS is a comedy web series about nerd girls, dating. In episode four (“dick”), Jennah must face the consequences of drunk-texting her uber-douchey ex-boyfriend, Steven Wu, while Claire and Mac teach Andi that sometimes, to get out of a bad dating rut, you gotta learn to loosen up.
THE SLUTTY YEARS is a comedy web series about nerd girls in their mid-20s, finally ready to let loose…if only they knew how.
Photo credit the author herself. Yes, she owns this award, thanks very much.
It’s winter. I’ve been wearing scarves. I want to stay warm. I want to come home to a cozy apartment that’s slightly tidy, that has a big TV, at least 40 inches, and features a guy I’m dating who’s slightly taller than me, who has already poured us both a glass of wine. I want to leave work at 6.30, be at this apartment by 7pm, and take off my shoes, even though my feet don’t smell the freshest there is. I want to be unworried that my daybreak make-up has turned into a twilight smear. I want to hand the guy a half sandwich I saved from lunch, I want us to eat it while we discuss our days, drink that wine, then slowly segue into snuggling to smooching to full on frisky sex. I want to finish that up, put my shirt back on, then settle into the sofa to watch one show I like, one I can’t stand, but he loves, while we eat fresh cookies that his mom sent him overnight, that just happened to arrive today, still soft. I want to leave around 10 or 11pm and go back to my place, text him, “thanks for the fuck, you slut,” and have him laugh and text me back x’s and o’s or maybe just a “back at ya.” Then I want to do it all again a couple days later. Because all I want from my guy is sex and TV.