Almie Rose is a writer from Los Angeles. She has a blog, Apocalypstick. In addition to Dating & Hookup she also writes for Hello Giggles, The Frisky, Thought Catalog, and Genlux Magazine. Her book, I Forgot To Be Famous, is out now. You can follow her on twitter @apocalypstick. Her favorite pastime is eating and drinking and sleeping and then eating again.
Online dating has turned into more than just filling out a profile, crossing your fingers, and hoping for the best. If you really want to be successful, you’ve got to see yourself as a brand. That sounds strange, doesn’t it? But really, it’s about representing yourself in the best possible light. Especially now that there are so many dating apps out there. I checked some of them out and that’s what made me realize that your little profile, with its opportunities to appear on so many different platforms, has to be your digital business card.
For example, Swoon, my favorite that I tried, is like shuffling through a stack of digital photos. You use your Facebook ID to sign in (but they never post anything to your wall or tell your friends, “HEY EVERYBODY, THIS CHICK’S LOOKING AT PEOPLE ONLINE!!!!”) and then you swipe through faces and “x” them or “checkmark” them. And no one knows if you “x” them out. They’re only notified if you “check” them. It’s wonderfully easy to use, uncluttered, and pretty cute.
But the thing about it — and for some people this is great, and others it isn’t — is that it asks the user to make snap decisions. Scrolling through lots of men/women without worrying about having to reject them to their face (digital or otherwise) makes it pretty easy to just keep swiping, hoping that maybe you’ll eventually find a Jon Hamm lookalike.
I think it’s finally starting to happen: I think we are finally starting to experience texting backlash.
I have been relying on texting for so long that when I was faced with the difficult situation of being unable to reach someone because they weren’t answering emails or texts, it didn’t even occur to me to call them. It’s like I forgot that my phone was a phone.
It’s slowly starting to happen. I see it. As awkward as my generation is with talking on the phone, and as much as we hate it, sometimes even we can see it’s the best option. You can call someone and get an answer in two seconds, or you can exchange sixteen complicated texts.
This is one of the more embarrassing things I’m going to admit.
I blog about weddings a lot, but I do not want to get married anytime soon. I just like weddings. I like to party. I like the trends. I like the blogs. I like looking at dresses and looking at rings. I’m a wedding girl. These things happen. This is my wedding shame.
A few years ago, I was in the middle of wedding fever, and the only prescription was
more cowbell more wedding fodder. The blogs just weren’t enough. I needed something harder. I needed a magazine.
Shit was getting real.
But I didn’t actually want to pay for the magazine. I hadn’t completely lost my mind. So I searched the internet for “free wedding magazine subscription.” (I know, I know. I just, I know.) I found a lot of leads. Some were dead ends. Finally I found something. A new wedding magazine was offering to send the first issue, free. Zero payment.
But there was a catch. You needed to provide the date of your wedding, the location (just the city) and the name of the groom. Which is really fucking weird, why the hell do they need to know the name of the groom? What if you are the groom? What if you’re a lady marrying a lady? I still don’t get it. But whatever. I made up a date, put my city, and as for the groom…I glanced around my room, looking for inspiration, the way Robin Williams did to come up with the name Mrs. Doubtfire.
And then I saw it. My cat.
Scientists made some sexy evaluations when they determined the sexiest and least sexiest parts of the human body to both sexy sexes. The Daily Mail brings the above graphic and the report. Sorry, Tarantino, but the feet are apparently the least sexy zones. Here’s how the rest of the sexiest body parts rank:
A woman’s mouth and lips was voted the most erotic body part with the highest rating of 7.9 out of 10.
The nape of neck scored 7.5 out 10.
Nipples and breasts came in joint third with a rating of 7.3.
Bottoms came fourth with 4.5 out of 10.
Hips scored 3.5 and feet received a rating of just one out of 10.
The mouth and lips received the highest rating of seven out of 10.
A man’s inner thigh received a rating of 5.8 out of 10.
The nape of the neck scored 5.6.
Nipples received 4.8 out of 10.
The lower back was rated as the fifth most erotic body part on a man with 2.8 out of 10.
While the least erotic part of a man’s body was the forearm with a score of one out of 10.
Okay, whaaaaaat? Who else is surprised that the nape of the neck was rated sexier than boobs? And who else thinks that dude’s forearms are incredibly sexy? And most important of all, why weren’t the dent things on a dude’s lower abs not taken into account?
Here’s how I would rate this:
A new PUA (“pick-up artist”) technique for hitting on women suggests that you “accidentally” but on purpose graze a girl’s boob. Found on the polarizing “seduction” section of Reddit, one user posted this tip as “gold.” It’s actually an old tip, but it’s new to me. Here’s the plan, transcribed and edited for length:
This is a very important method of kino [to touched or be touched] that has never been mentioned…it’s “the boob touch.”
You need to be holding a drink in order for this to work. When you’re talking to a girl and standing close to her, you lean in and talk into her ear, while your hand that’s holding the drink makes contact with her boob. Leave it there; you’ll be surprised by how many girls let you keep it there and they may actually push up against it. Remember, this is the back of your hand touching her, so it seems totally unintentional. If she backs away, you can immediately realize that she’s gonna take some effort, so if you want you can “Next” her without suffering any humiliation whatsoever.
… Add this little “magic trick” to your arsenal, DJs, and you will be pleasantly surprised.
Apparently “this little magic trick” upset a few people, the few who pointed out that it was creepy were accused of, “white knighting more than usual.” Really sad that by saying, “hey, it’s gross to touch a woman’s boobs without asking” one gets insulted.
There are so many things problematic with this “method” without even reading the comments that support it, like “this is a surprisingly effective move” and “Fuck the negative comments…This type of kino isn’t bad especially when girls on the dance floor are grinding the shit out of your junk with their ass” I’ll just list them.
One of the questions I’m asked all the time, aside from, “Are you drunk?” is, “How do I tell if someone likes me? Like, likes me?”
My answer to this is, “If you have to ask, they don’t like like you.” That’s number one. I know this may hurt, but if someone really liked you, you would know. And if a month passed by and they didn’t make a move, it’s not going to happen.
But some people are diabolically shy, and make this a little harder to figure out. And on the other side are the people who are diabolically clueless who don’t realize if someone is blatantly hitting on you.
So, you want to know how to tell if someone likes you? Here are some hints.
Road trips will test any relationship. Not just the one you have with your partner, husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend. But the relationships that you have with your best friend, your sibling, your parents. Anyone you like in any way that you are getting into a car with for more than 5 hours is asking the question, “How much will we like each other when we get out of this car?”
To me, a road trip is 5+ hours. If your destination is an entire workday away, that’s a road trip. You shouldn’t treat it as a test, but in the back of your mind, if this is the very first road trip you’re taking with someone you’re dating and doing, it’s natural to think of it as a test. I hope this is natural, anyway. Someone want to back me up on this?
Jon Waters once said, “If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.” I don’t know when he said that, but I’m hoping it was before the digital age of publishing. People may have a lot more books than you’d be aware of. They could have hundreds of books in their electronic reading device, maybe even my book, maybe my book titled I Forgot To Be Famous, maybe my book that I wrote, that’s my book, maybe my book is in there. Did I mention my book?
But let’s say that you go home with someone lovely and their shelf is brimming with books. Like Belle’s dream library. Or like Keanu Reeves’ library in a fan fiction I once read on Fanfiction.net many, many years ago. And I don’t need your judgement. Let’s not even start about judging others by the fan fiction they do (or do not) read. I was a wayward youth. The Matrix was a big deal. Keanu was dreamy. These things happen. So let’s say that they have a huge selection of wonderful, amazing books.
YET — there is no way of actually knowing if this dreamboat actually read any of these said wonderful, amazing books. So if people are judging you by the books you’ve read, are they also judging you by the books you HAVEN’T read?
Here are the books on my shelf that I haven’t read. Or haven’t finished. It’s not that I’m a slow reader — I’m quite fast actually, if you must know — but if something doesn’t interest me right away, I stop. It takes a lot of effort for me to give things another chance. Sometimes I go back to it. This happened with Mad Men, and now I love Mad Men. Something something relationship metaphor here.
Relationships are hard. So hard, that sometimes we destroy them before they even come to be. We’re just so excited about this new person, this new prospect, that we just want to jump to the end where everyone is happy and in love. And in doing that, we ruin the whole thing. If this hasn’t happened to you yet, keep doing what you’re doing and avoid doing these things. And to those who have done one, or some, or all of these things — I feel you. I really do.
Here are 10 things that will end a relationship before it begins.
I can’t remember the first time I heard the phrase “you can’t have it all” but I don’t think I’ve ever heard it without understanding that whoever was saying it was referring to women. People seem to love to tell us that we can’t have it all. (Most recently, Glamour magazine.) I recall an episode of Sex and the City (and isn’t there one for everything?) where Samantha, sick with the flu, sobs to Carrie, “We can’t have it all!” I think by the end of the episode Carrie determined that she didn’t need to have it all as long as she had Aiden and a handbag or something, I don’t know, isn’t that how they all ended?
Here’s the thing: who the hell decided what “all” is? Who decided that “all” is a husband, two kids, a house, and a career? Look, there’s absolutely nothing wrong if that’s what you want. That can be your all. But it’s very annoying being told that you can’t have it all when you don’t want what people are denying you in the first place.
Lady Gaga’s worn head-to-toe fur and head-to-toe meat but it turns out that the weirdest thing she could wear is absolutely nothing at all. (“Nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!” Damn you, stupid sexy Flanders.) Seeing a naked A-list world famous pop star is something that hasn’t been done since Madonna, so naturally, Gaga’s going to do it. She does it for art, as when she worked with legendary performance artist Marina Abramović, and she did it for magazine shoots, as in the current issue of V magazine. She has a great body. And when she doesn’t, don’t worry, you’ll know about it. God forbid our female pop stars get fat. For everything that Gaga has said, done, written, and yes, even wore, her biggest concern is that none of it will matter if people think she’s fat.
Bras have come a long way since they were invented in ancient Greece about a million years ago out of grape leaves or whatever. The modern bra as we know it was patented in 1914 by Mary Phelps Jacob, but you bet your sweet bippy some ancient Grecians were bra-ing it up somehow, I’ll bet you fifty bucks. You know where to find me. On the Internet.
And centuries later, there’s a bra out now that doubles as a face mask with a radiation censor, and unlike everything I’ve written up to this point, that is not a joke. (Although neither was the Mary Phelps Jacob bit.) It’s called the RAD Emergency Bra and it was invented by Dr. Elena Bodnar, founder and President of the Trauma Risk Management Research Institute in Chicago. The cups double as facemasks.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
Follow Dating & Hookup on Instagram
Follow Jess on Instagram
Follow Becky on Instagram
Follow me on Twitter