Almie Rose is a writer from Los Angeles. She has a blog, Apocalypstick. In addition to Dating & Hookup she also writes for Hello Giggles, The Frisky, Thought Catalog, and Genlux Magazine. Her book, I Forgot To Be Famous, is out now. You can follow her on twitter @apocalypstick. Her favorite pastime is eating and drinking and sleeping and then eating again.
OkCupid is one of those things that when it works, it’s fantastic, and when it doesn’t work, it’s absolutely diabolical. It’s all based on the user’s experience. And it seems like users have the best experience when they’re honest on their profiles.
The idea of being honest on a dating profile sounds both smart and scary at the same time. It’s a “duh!” and a “wha?” thrown together. Here’s a guide to what you should and shouldn’t be honest about on your OkCupid profile.
– What sort of relationship you’re looking for. Want something serious? Click that box.
– Photos of you that look like you on any given day. You do not want too many photos of you that don’t actually look like you, i.e. are professionally shot and photoshopped headshots. And sure, you can throw in a photo of you all dolled up at a big event, but that unless you do major hair, make-up, and dress every day, do not use multiple photos of you looking all fancy and made-up.
I try not to ramble on too much about relationships and my greatest failures in life. Hey, it’ll be fun! Check it out.
And let me tell you something — it’s totally okay if you don’t have a date for Halloween.
Are YOU dressing up for Halloween? What/who as?
Sorry. I’m sorry. My bad. OMG I’m so sorry!!! — any of these sound way too familiar to you? I say some variation of “I’m sorry” far too often. If I do something to upset somebody, then a heartfelt “I’m sorry” is necessary and appreciated. But sometimes I feel like I’m apologizing for my very existence. I say “I’m sorry” for things that I shouldn’t say it for. And it’s exhausting.
I’ve written before about how women feel the need to apologize for themselves, their actions, and their ideas far more than men do. We’ve been subtly taught to do so. I remember working in the corporate world how many times smart young women would introduce their ideas with, “Sorry if this has been done before…” or “I think I have an idea, sorry if it won’t work…” whereas the men never once began their sentences with an apology.
Confidence is key. How many times now have you heard that in your life? Probably a lot. I see it, or some version of it, on Pinterest almost daily. But it’s true, isn’t it? When I was a little kid I was surging with confidence. As I got older, it ebbed away. Now I’m trying to get it back.
Here are some tips and tricks I’ve picked up for how to be confident. Share yours! We could all use it. There is enough confidence in this world for everyone.
– Tell yourself, “I am confident.” No, seriously. Repeat it in your mind, over and over, as though it’s fact. Then when you doubt yourself, say, “but that can’t be, because I am confident.” Absorb the message.
– Have a physical or mental list of the people in your life who love you and believe in you. When you’re ever in doubt of yourself, look at the list. Let THOSE people be your source of confidence. If you have moments where you don’t believe in yourself, read the name of the one person who does. One is all you need. One day it will be yourself!
– Eliminate weak works from your vocabulary. Start with your emails. Are you pitching a great idea to your boss? Don’t use words or phrases like “Maybe” or “I think” or “I don’t know…” because if you’re going to doubt yourself, why shouldn’t they? Put strength behind your words. Not cockiness. Don’t lead with, “This is the best idea in the history of this company and you’re an idiot not to follow it.” The Dr. House approach only works on TV.
Rielle Hunter, John Edwards’s mistress, came out with a public apology. That’s not a bad thing; it’s refreshing when someone comes forward and says, “I am sorry for what I’ve done.” But why is she apologizing so much? And where is John Edwards’s apology?
After a quick internet hunt, I found that John Edwards, after lying about the affair for months years, released a statement in 2008 (via France 24):
I told my wife that I had a liaison with another woman, and I asked for her forgiveness. It is inadequate to say to the people who believed in me that I am sorry, as it is inadequate to say to the people who love me that I am sorry. In the course of several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic.
That’s not a bad apology. It’s a little cold but it’s honest and it gets to the point.
Now compare it with Ms. Rielle Hunter’s (exclusively from Huffington Post, titled “I, Rielle Hunter, Apologize”):
I don’t understand wedding diets.
By which I mean, brides going on dieting frenzies for their weddings. At first, I understood why someone would want to lose “x” number of pounds before “the big day”, as they say. You’re going to be photographed a lot, so why not look your best?
But that’s when I realized, you’re going to be photographed a lot, so why would you want to look back at photos of that day and see someone you don’t recognize? I wouldn’t want to look back at my wedding and think, “Damn, that’s the thinnest I’ve ever looked” and feel depressed.
When it comes to dating sometimes even those of us with the best intentions wind up being an accidental creep. And this isn’t limited just to dudes, although dudes are better at sending creepy texts and PMs via Facebook, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, and so forth, than women are and why is that? But yes, ladies can be creeps too. I’ve been an accidental creep once. I did not leave my house and think, “Okay, tonight I’m going to be Lydia Deetz without the charm.” But it happened. I lived and learned.
Don’t be an accidental creep. Don’t make these mistakes.
NOTE: These really only apply to those first reaching out. If you’ve already been seeing someone for a while and feel you know them well, that’s different. But if you’re just connecting with this person and are trying to make something happen, these are the ways it won’t. Life is different for everyone, blah blah blah.
You send too many texts.
Have you ever gotten,
“Babe how r u?”
all sent within an hour? At first it’s kind of funny, then you feel sorry for the guy, then you’re just plain annoyed. I’ve heard from guys, “Why didn’t she tell me she wasn’t interested?” There’s three ways this usually goes down. The woman tells the guy she’s not interested which he then, 1. takes as a challenge and still tries to “win her over”, 2. gets really angry and lashes out at her, sometimes even threatens her, and 3. is respectful and mature about it, and completely leaves her alone. Sadly, 3 rarely happens.
Kerry Washington recently spoke about her positive experience going to an all-girls school. I, also, went to an all-girls school. From 8th grade to 12th. I know some of my peers absolutely hated having an all-girls education. I don’t know if any of them would admit to “loving” it, but I think inside they did. Here’s some of what Washington had to say, via Huffington Post:
I was really lucky because I went to an all-girl school and that single sex education really helped me because I really learned to bond with women and to not compete with or compare myself as much because we were all allowed to be ourselves and be unique and kind of have our unique strengths. But I always felt like my value was much more in my intellect than it was in my appearance, and so that’s what I spent time cultivating. And some of that I get from my mother, some of that comes from the schools that I went to, and some of that comes from probably insecurity. This feeling that my value is what’s on the inside, because what’s on the outside can’t really compete with other people, so I’ll place my focus there. Which I think has been a blessing for me. Because I’m not stupid.
She rambled off a bit, but somewhere in there is her point: a single sex education gave her inner strength, a sense of community, and place where looks weren’t valued above intellect. I get what she’s saying. I support an all-girls education. I’ve been through it. And I’m not going to say that I didn’t care about makeup or hair while in high school, because I still totally did. But it was different.
Engagement rings are facing a new trend, and it has nothing to do with stones or settings (or sandwiches). NY Mag‘s The Cut is reporting that more women are buying their own engagement rings. Some are splitting the costs with their fiancés.
It makes sense. Women are getting married later than ever before, and I believe it’s linked to the economy. A lot of young people are living with their parents well into their twenties. It’s a, to quote Danny from Mad Men, “A doggy dog world out there.”
Still, traditionalists lead the pack. Cut also reports that in a Today show poll, 54% of pollers (doesn’t specify whether it’s women only) would not split the costs of an engagement ring. 46% said they would.
Lena Dunham sent her boyfriend a love letter via email that you can read as part of Miranda July’s latest art project, “We Think Alone.” She got 20 emails sent from 20 celebs. Stuff like Dunham’s love letter to Dunham emailing her assistant about potentially buying a couch.
I think we all love the idea of love letters, and of letters in general, but we don’t love having to write them or send them. Just getting them. To write them means to sit down and hold a freaking pen, like you’re Thomas Jefferson or some shit. And then you have to find that person’s address, and few people have peoples’ home addresses anymore. And you want it to be a surprise so you don’t want to ask them, and if you do you know they’ll say, “What for?”
So email it is! Here’s how to write a love letter email. And also how not to.
– Realize that whatever you send could easily be seen and read by an unintended person(s). Even if you completely trust your boyfriend/girlfriend, you never know who could be trying to look at their phone while they stepped away for a moment. So maybe save the “I’m so glad you dumped Sheila for me, she was such a horrible bitch” for an in-person talk. As with any email, you want to keep in mind that anything could be seen by anyone.
Have you heard about “Sandwich Girlfriend” yet? It took me a while to even find her real name. She has a blog called 300 Sandwiches. Here’s the site’s mission:
My boyfriend E is obsessed with two things: Star Wars and sandwiches. During a Sunday lunchtime viewing of “Return of the Jedi” he told me: “you are 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring!” … And so, I got cooking …
I honestly thought this blog was satire at first, but it turns out the sandwichmaker in question is one Stephanie Smith, a writer for Page Six. How could anyone not think this was satire? The intro on her blog begins with,
“Make me a sandwich.”
That’s what my boyfriend, E, asks without fail every morning. Not “babe, where are my keys?” Not, “honey, where are my socks?” And no, not even, “c’mon, just the tip?”
And then comes right out and says,
That was it—a proposal hinged on me making him sandwiches.
And she describes herself as,
I’m a Midwest girl living in New York, a writer and foodie who loves a good meal. I love chocolate, pork buns, and sushi more than I love a sale at Saks. I’m a woman who loves her man, but also never backs down from a challenge. If he wants three hundred sandwiches, then I’ll deliver.
(NONE of these are bad things. They just seem so very Onion-y. How is “Woman Makes 300 Sandwiches For Boyfriend To Get A Proposal” not the title of an Onion article? How is her description not the description of a character from an Onion article? “I’m a woman who loves her man”?)
But she’s very serious. Her blog contains recipes for every sandwich she makes. And she sees nothing wrong with making sandwiches for an engagement ring. Which, hopefully, both adults in the relationship realize is much more than a ring, but is in fact, a promise to marry. It’s a marriage. She’s trading sandwiches for marriage. I guess marriage has been based on lesser things in the past?
The thing is, I kind of don’t hate her.
Let’s be real, the first thing people look at or care about on your internet dating profile is your profile photo. Your internet dating photos are like your business cards. I write a lot about dating and the internet and I’ve seen some of the best and some of the worst profiles out there. So here are my internet dating photos dos and donts. Some of these may be personal preferences, but give them a try if you’re not having results and see if things change.
DON’T upload less than three photos. People need a good sense of what you look like so when you’re meeting up for the first time they recognize you and don’t go up to someone who kinda sorta resembles you (or even worse, is like a better looking version of yourself). Women tend to experiment with different hair and makeup, so ladies, post a few of your different “looks.” For example, when I had a dating profile, I posted a photo of myself wearing red lipstick and not, and photos of myself in glasses and without.
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