Almie Rose is a writer from Los Angeles. She has a blog, Apocalypstick. In addition to Dating & Hookup she also writes for Hello Giggles, The Frisky, Thought Catalog, and Genlux Magazine. Her book, I Forgot To Be Famous, is out now. You can follow her on twitter @apocalypstick. Her favorite pastime is eating and drinking and sleeping and then eating again.
Jezebel posted a study done for the journal PLOS ONE about men and emotions; mainly that while men can read other men pretty well, they’re still clueless when it comes to picking up “emotional cues” from women. Here’s an excerpt from the study’s findings:
I want someone to sweep me off my feet, the way Mitt Romney swept all questions about his tax returns under the rug. Screw it, I am a romantic at heart. I’ve tried to tell myself that I’m not. Today, I am coming forth and admitting my truth: I like romance, I like to be romanced, and I love the fuck out of candles. Someone adore me. Really, truly adore me. Because we all deserve that. We should all have that experience, of being Tears For Fears-style head over heels and have it being reciprocated. That’s the key, you don’t want to be the creep who is in like with someone who has no interest. That is a bad place to be, on either side. Getting over that is never easy. And yeah, that sucks, but you have to find a way to accept the situation and walk away. The sooner you learn how to do this, the better. I found that the only way to get over someone is to find someone else to get under. I don’t mean that in a sexual way, but if you want to interpret it as that, go ahead, why not.
Tara Reid, what the hell are you doing? I hate telling someone, “you’re too old for this” but really, Tara: you’re too old for this. You’re too old for acting like an irresponsible teenager who got a fake ID and has been abusing it like it’s her one and only job in the entire world.
Dating is hard, not dating is hard, semi-dating is hard, everything is hard, and that’s what she said.
We all have questions about dating. “Why didn’t he/she/scary clown text me back?” “How do I approach people?” “Is this a good photo to put on OKCupid?” and on and on and on until you are so sick of yourself and so sick of everyone else and you’re just tired and want to go home.
I have some ideas on how we can all date better.
1. Always assume you’re paying for dinner/coffee/drinks/tickets to the wax museum. No, this isn’t directed towards men. This is directed towards men and women. Do I prefer if men pay? You bet your sweet bippy I do. I always prefer when people buy me things. But I’m still going to leave the house with enough money (cash, no way in hell am I going to be let Future Drunk Almie run up another $80 bar tab) to cover whatever it is I’m planning to spend it on that night. So by “assume” I guess what I’m really saying is, always have enough money to pay for yourself. Offer to pay, even if you don’t want to, even if it’s just for the sake of being polite. But dudes really, just assume you’re going to pay and we’ll offer to split it, and decline our offer. Ideally.
Jeremy Irons has some very interesting, possibly warped opinions on marriage. He raised many an eyebrow when discussing legalizing gay marriage on HuffPost Live, saying, “Could a father not marry his son? It seems to me that now they’re fighting for the name [marriage instead of union]. I worry that it means somehow we debase, or we change, what marriage is. I just worry about that.”
At first his comments seemed incredibly homophobic until I watched the rest of the interview and realized that, no, Jeremy Irons isn’t homophobic — he’s just fucking insane. At the end of the interview it seems as though he’s about to redeem himself by summing it all up with, “Everybody who’s living with one other person the best of luck in the world, because it’s fantastic.” The interviewer, with so much grace and mercy, tries to let Irons end his interview on a good note, by adding, “Spoken like a happily married man.” Irons then makes this face:
Women, ladies, girls, misses and all — I really, really need to hear some positive body talk right now. I’ve been on the most spectacular low self esteem kick. And sadly, it seems as though all of my friends hate their bodies as well. What’s going on? Are we afraid of bikini season looming before us? I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with wanting to look good in a bikini, by the way. It’s when it becomes an obsession and an all out body hate-fest that things go wrong.
I found my own limit a few days ago when my friend texted me a photo of her body bemoaning how much she hated it. That’s what I said to her, and to myself, enough. I’m not going to do this with you anymore. I’m not going to feed into this. It’s bad for both of us. We have no reason to feel this way about ourselves. You are thin and you are beautiful. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. And she said, same to you. Worst circle of life ever.
January Jones is awesome. I want to be January Jones. I don’t know why people hate her.
Okay, I kind of know why people hate her. They think she’s ungrateful. That she’s a bad actress who doesn’t deserve her job. That she’s cold. That she thinks she’s above everyone. Some don’t like her because they think she’s a slut. Maybe all of these things are true.
But maybe…just maybe…they aren’t.
And you know what? Even if they are, I don’t care. I still want to be her. My feelings only intensified after she told The Washington Post that,
It makes me laugh when the ‘Fashion Police’ hate what I wear. I loved my whole look that night [at the Screen Actor's Guild Awards]. It was really fun. And I just like people looking at me like I was crazy. [Fashion is] a fun way to express yourself. … And I sort of like not pleasing people a bit.
And she means it. She is one of three women who show up to stupid award shows in dresses that most women wouldn’t dare attempt. (The other two are Helena Bonham Carter and Bjork.) In a sea of boring beige, Miss Jones steps it up in all kinds of daring ensambles and doesn’t even care.
Men: there’s confidence and there’s cockiness. It can be hard to figure out which one is which. It can be hard for women too. But please, do not have this mindset.
Sometimes I read something on a guy’s dating/pick-up blog and think, “Wait, what? This is a joke, right?” This was one of those times. And so is this:
There I was, sitting across from him: A 6’2” Swedish guy with shades and more swagger than you could shake a stick at. We were grabbing a beer, discussing thoughts on life, women, and his plan to spend months in the Bahamas working on a boat. We started picking each others brains when I asked,
“How do know when you should approach a girl or not? How do you know she even wants to talk to you?”
He sat back, smiled, and let out a chuckle. “It’s always the right time to talk to her. Why? Because every girl wants me. If a girl makes eye contact with me, smiles at me, or whatever, she’s into me. It’s that simple.”
What? What? No. No. No. No. No for everything he said but also for the idea that I may wind up sitting next to someone like this guy.
One of the questions I’m asked all the time, aside from, “Are you drunk?” is, “How do I tell if someone likes me? Like, likes me?” Well, it’s usually pretty simple how to tell if someone likes you.
My answer to this is, “If you have to ask, they don’t like like you.” That’s number one. I know this may hurt, but if someone really liked you, you would know. And if a month passed by and they didn’t make a move, it’s not going to happen.
But some people are diabolically shy, and make this a little harder to figure out. And on the other side are the people who are diabolically clueless who don’t realize if someone is blatantly hitting on you.
Here are some hints if someone is into you (or not):
– They go out of their way to make you happy. This could mean hanging out with you, helping you out with something, whatever. Going out of their way means maybe they have to drive a long distance or change up their plans, but they do it because they like you, and want to see you.
– They don’t call you repeatedly after 2 AM and ask you to come over. All this means is that they like having sex with you. They don’t like you. They don’t hate you, they just don’t want to take it beyond sex.
“10 Ways To Piss Off A Woman” — sorry, actually the title is “10 Playful Teases That Women Secretly Love” is an article on a blog called The Dating Specialist. Nick, “The Dating Specialist” is really psyched and confident about these tips. I can’t see how any of them would work UNLESS you’re in an established relationship and know each other very well. If this is a first (or even second) date, good luck, buddy. Here’s what Nick suggests:
1. Give her a silly nickname.
“You’re such a little brat/punk!” (smiling)
“Don’t worry sweetie/babe/pumpkin/cupcake, everything will be just fine.” (jokingly comforting her)
“I like that you’re always laughing, I’m officially calling you giggles.”
No. Most women hate being called “sweetie” or “little brat” (that one seems weirder than the others) or anything cutesy from a dude they just met or barely know. If any man said to me, “I’m officially calling you giggles” I would realize that I was on a date with Buddy The Elf and I would ask him what his favorite color is.
Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny, likely forever known as Mulder and Scully, were and still are rumored to be dating. I NEED this to be true. I NEED Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny To Be Together.
Why, right? That sounds insane. The X-Files television show ended eleven years ago and the 2 X-Files films were in and out of theaters faster than it takes to smoke a cigarette.
Admittedly, I wasn’t even a huge fan of The X-Files. I watched season 3 or 4 — can’t remember — while it was on, but switched over to Sex and the City, as they were on the same time and same night, in an era before DVRs where one had to make a very thoughtful choice.
The show lost me. I saw the first film because my mom happened to be watching it. I tried to back get into the show a few months ago, but thought it just dragged. I hear it improves after the first season though.
So why do I even care? Because…I want to believe.
OKCupid and I are taking a break. I’m tired of it. I just can’t anymore. This is getting ridiculous. Guys, hot tip: if you don’t look like Chris Pine, do not use the photo that someone took of you on that one day where the lighting was just right and you looked, for once in your life, like Chris Pine for two seconds. Especially do not use it as your main profile photo. You have to let us know right away if you’re ugly. (And maybe you’re not actually ugly, maybe you’re just picking terrible photos that you think are flattering.) And here’s the thing, before you yell at me: I have very specific, crazy standards. Most of the guys I consider ugly are men that most people consider attractive. So don’t get angry with me, like I just sent you an email saying, “Hi, ______, I was just looking you up online and you are ugly.” No. And I’ve been called ugly. And I get it. I look like Mick Jagger. I get this. I have a weird face. Some people consider my weird face weird enough to somehow work and be beautiful. Other people see my face and think that nothing works and it’s a mess and that it’s ugly. And that’s fine. I don’t give a fuck.
Everyone tells me to change my standards. No. How about you stop being ugly? Why the fuck should I change my standards? If you don’t like my standards, then don’t date me. Find someone else who sees you and wants you for you who are. I like men who look like this. Or this. And this. I do not like men who look like this. Or this. And those last two men are men that lots of women think are insanely attractive. See? I’m not asking for Ryan Reynolds-Gosling. That isn’t my type. Do you get what I’m saying here?
Don’t be fat. Yeah, sucks to conform to the same standards we’ve had to deal with for years, doesn’t it?
Be creative. Be smart. Be able to play an instrument, even if it’s just barely. Be able to have an awesome conversation with me. Be kind. Be generous. And I don’t mean just with money. I mean with your time. With your patience.
And that last part goes for ladies too.
Disclaimer: this post is about OKC and my experience with it in general, not the exceptions, and I realize that my experience is not the same as everyone else’s.
Originally posted on Apocalypstick.
Photo of Ann-Margret by Grey Villet for LIFE.
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