Alison Steedman is the editor at Dating & Hookup. She lives in Los Angeles with her boyfriend and their histrionic cat, Charles Dickens, where she still carries on a nostalgic and long-distance love affair with her 20's in Brooklyn, NY. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @yosteedman, and you can also send her your writing at [email protected], both of which make her very happy.
Congrats! And may a day come when coming out of the closet isn’t a big deal.
What is the best marriage proposal you’ve ever heard of?
“Magic Mike,” are you going?
Disclosure: I have never had a male stripper fantasy. They seem germy. But ignore me, I don’t want to ruin this for you. This movie is about white wine and girl’s night. In fact, I’ve already been invited to go see it with my Southern mother and like five of her girlfriends tonight, and I have nothing against this – mostly because I haven’t seen Matthew McConaughey not take himself this seriously ever.*
Thank you, movies.**
Also, you guys, IS THAT A MATRIX STRIP SCENE?
*Okay okay, you totally know that Matthew McConaughey is TOTALLY taking himself seriously. This is the “Citizen Kane of stripper movies,” after all. But that picture!!
**And who are we kidding, I love the movies. One can only be so cynical when one blubbers through the first half of “The Hunger Games.”
Since our book came out a few weeks ago, the support has been overwhelming, CNN, Business Insider, Elle, Glamour, The Village Voice, Bethenny Frankel, etc… We’re so lucky. We’re particularly lucky in that Dating & Hookup’s message to cultivate all your relationships for a fullfilling life, has also been interpreted by Internet crazies as 1) advocating reckless promiscuity, or 2) cultivating a harem of men. A special thanks to Google Alerts!
1) On the lovely Newbusters Site, a piece titled Ethical Sluts: CNN Health Promotes Promiscuity and Demeans Monogamy. (How did they know? We actually love the word slut!)
2) The awesome Fellowship of the Minds published the thought piece More Feminism Baloney. “Heaven forbid a woman have some moral standards and a dream to find a soulmate.” (I think this piece was ghost written by my uber-Catholic high school French teacher. She dressed exclusively in one of three plaid skirt-suits from the 70′s, carried a ruler at all times, and used to lecture us on how birth control was wrong…in French.)
3) The perhaps not even hilarious spoof / response written on Chateau Heartist, Every Man Needs a Harem of Women, which garnered a frightening 155 comments. (Oh, that place where the FBI goes to look for serial killers? Found it!)
And guys, I’m not even quoting the comments sections overall. Check out the ones on CNN if you’re interested. Or don’t, you’ll just feel bad. Sadly, it’s not news that women get massacred on the internet…and harassed in daily life.
We’ll just go ahead, be thankful, and keep a comic distance. Because, I mean, REALLY YOU GUYS?
Good news friends, are you in the market for a new neurosis? Here’s how to have the perfect vagina.
1. Revoke all traditional insecurities dating back to adolescence, breast size, braces, french kissing technique, bad breath, gag reflexes, virginity. Accept that these are out of date.
2. Watch porn with your insensitive or perhaps slightly misogynistic significant other. Allow him the opportunity to verbalize your thoughts exactly: “Yours doesn’t look like that.”
3. Let it occur to you that if only your vagina was prettier, then you could relax during sex.
4. Know that fake breasts are passe. Delight in your judgement of women who inflate their chest with silicone, saline, etc. See their boyfriend’s True Religion jeans. Avert your eyes from the tackiness. Thank god you’re not those people!
5. Own that the word vagina is an ugly, gross word, and the actual thing is just as icky.
6. Google “ideal vagina” and find out what that is. Measure yours. Debate inside yourself.
7. Wax it, then realize that perhaps a little bit of hair will hide your flaws.
8. Decide labiaplasty is a the best decision. Other people are doing it. It’s the fastest growing plastic surgery in the UK. Really, its something you’re doing for yourself, like a gift.
9. In order to get the whole story, watch this amazing / scary documentary from the BBC called “The Perfect Vagina.” Be charmed by the smart, compassionate British documentary filmmaker who calls your ladyparts “bits,” yet remain unswayed. Rationalize that your case is different.
10. Feel the relief that comes from knowing that your vagina will soon be a delicate, lovely flower.
It seems to be work-life balance / motherhood / daddyhood week here. But really, Internet-with-a-capital-I, you shape the dialogue.
Anne-Marie Slaughter’s Atlantic cover story “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All” is generating that perfect storm of talk and traffic. After two years in her dream job, as the State Department’s first woman Director of Policy Planning, she had to quit. Her family needed her.
Women today are better educated than men and hold increasingly more powerful professional positions, yet most of the highest ranking jobs are still held by men. Why?
In her piece, Slaughter feels that women today are falsely told they can have it all. She believes dialogue like Sheryl Sandberg’s commencement a address to Barnard’s graduating class,” contains more than a note of reproach,” because “the women who have managed to be both mothers and top professionals are superhuman, rich, or self-employed.” Yes, we have the brains, but are we allowed the flexibility required to be both parents and professionals?
Formerly a professor and a dean at Yale, Slaughter had always considered herself fortunate to have flexibility in her career. Except she…
“had no idea how lucky until I spent two years in Washington within a rigid bureaucracy, even with bosses as understanding as Hillary Clinton and her chief of staff, Cheryl Mills. My workweek started at 4:20 on Monday morning, when I got up to get the 5:30 train from Trenton to Washington. It ended late on Friday, with the train home. In between, the days were crammed with meetings, and when the meetings stopped, the writing work began—a never-ending stream of memos, reports, and comments on other people’s drafts. For two years, I never left the office early enough to go to any stores other than those open 24 hours, which meant that everything from dry cleaning to hair appointments to Christmas shopping had to be done on weekends, amid children’s sporting events, music lessons, family meals, and conference calls. I was entitled to four hours of vacation per pay period, which came to one day of vacation a month. And I had it better than many of my peers in D.C.; Secretary Clinton deliberately came in around 8 a.m. and left around 7 p.m., to allow her close staff to have morning and evening time with their families (although of course she worked earlier and later, from home).
Ah. No one has to line up, for anyone, that being a parent on that schedule (even with a husband willing to shoulder more responsibility) is ridiculously untenable. And, naturally, women are “not going to choose to do both if it keeps coming down to a choice between one or the other,” i.e. career or their children.
When will we stop having to adjust to the workplace and when will the workplace adjust to us?
Two great pieces.
The original Atlantic piece.
Edith Zimmerman’s interview with Anne-Marie Slaughter, in which she asks, “How do I be more like you?”
Anita Sarkeesian’s popular web show, Feminist Frequency does something obvious. It seeks to identify the female stereotypes in film. I have all these 27 dresses and no man! Seems fair.
Her next step was to start a Kickstarter to develop one that turned the same critical eye toward video games. Then the problems started.
She was attacked online, viciously.
The comments section of her Kickstarter video were overrun with the kind of horrific misogyny that as a survival skill, you do your best to block out. For example,
“Tits or GTFO
You’re a bolshevik feminist Jewess
LESBIANS: THE GAME is all this bitch wants
Why do you put on make-up, if everything is sexism? … You are a hypocrite fucking slut.
Would be better if she filmed this in the kitchen.
I’ll donate $50 if you make me a sandwich
You hate your father don’t you.
Her Wikipedia page was edited to a morass of pornographic images and links to porn. So much that the top Google search for her name showed the sentence, “Anita Sarkeesian is a feminist video blogger and cunt.”
Ah. Good thing we don’t need anything like her videos.
The good news? Anita Sarkeesian had originally asked for $6,000 on Kickstarter to produce her video game series. She got $158,922.
Cupid’s Pulse Interview with Jess and Becky!
The New York Post!
Jess in Glamour!
As I type this, I hold a baby, my nephew. One-handed. Inefficient. Both re: the baby and re: the keyboard.
<<Puts baby down on baby mat. Surrounds baby with toys.>>
Babies feel really cuddly and nice. My nephew is particularly adorable. He has big eyes, and is at this moment wearing a onezie that says “Rawr.” A+
In life, most people grow to want children at one time or another. But what happens if events don’t conspire to give you what you want, i.e. The Babies? And what if you’re a man?
NPR reports that in the US there are more than a million never-married fathers raising children alone, more than three times the amount two decades ago. Men both gay and straight, are taking the baby plunge, solo.
When B.J. Holt, a gay man in New York City, hit forty with no life partner, he felt his own version of a biological clock. Holt now has two children by egg donor and surrogate. But when he decided to start a family, he didn’t know anyone else in a similar situation.
As a father he still confronts stereotypes, but has gotten used to them.
He laughs as he recalls driving through a toll booth on a recent weekend.
“There I was, in the car with my two kids in the backseat,” he says, “and I was fumbling for the money. And [the woman in the tollbooth] said, ‘Take your time, take your time. Daddy’s without the mom today!’ ” Holt says he just smiled and drove on.
Avi Breacher, an Israeli pediatrician, wanted a wife, three children and a dog from his early 20′s on, but never found the right woman. His three month old daughter Ariel was born by surrogate in Minnesota and his son Daniel, six, was adopted from Guatemala.
He’s confident he can raise children on his own, but works to give them exposure to women. He employs a female nurse as a babysitter and the children spend time with his mother.
“If it’s female friends of mine,” Brecher says, “I let them hold Ariel so she can feel the touch of a female, which I believe is different from a male.”
Single fellas, may you go forth and prosper.
Facebook’s Chief Operating Officer, Sheryl Sandberg’s has said “The most important career choice you’ll make is who you marry.”
Polarizing, but pause for a moment and think about it. Your marital relationship is the foundation of your life. This is the person you’ll count on to make you happy when you come home, help you pay your bills on time, support your career.
What happens when you marry someone who isn’t willing to make sacrifices for your needs? Bad things. The financial cost of divorce is shattering. And then there’s the emotional strain on you and any children.
Big duh, marriage is a big deal. And in order to have a career and children, women need to marry someone who will support them in all their pursuits.
In a recent speech, Helen Fraser, 63, who is the chief executive of the UK’s Girls’ Day School believes that girls should learn to be just as “ambitious” in their relationships as they are in their careers.
“Just as I believe we should always encourage our girls to aspire to the best universities, I believe we should encourage our girls to be ambitious in their relationships,” she said.
Women, while they are less likely to hit a glass ceiling today are still subjected to what she called a “nappy wall,” the choice between career and children.
It’s true. Women these days want it all. And we should have it. But getting there is a team effort. Choose wisely.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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