Getting your live-in boyfriend to propose! Falling for your Unavailable Guy! Turning a play-non-date into something more! Our latest dah guy takes on your burning post-dating questions and gives you cute little nicknames to boot. Let’s get started.
To submit your questions for next week’s guy, email us at [email protected] with “Ask a dah Guy” in the subject line!
Question #1: My boyfriend is the best. We’ve been together for three years, we live together, and he’s my best friend. I want to marry him.
But here’s the problem: I’m not sure if he wants to marry me. I’m 30, and I’ve made it clear to him that I want to get married soon. My biological clock is ticking! And he keeps telling me that he’ll marry me someday…but he’s just not ready to do it now. Every time he says that, it breaks my heart a little.
I’ve asked everyone what I should do, and no one can seem to agree. Some people say that if he really loved me, then he’d marry me right now – so, since he hasn’t proposed yet, I should leave him. But other people point out what a wonderful partner he is and say that I should give it more time. What do you think? Should I try to be patient and trust in our relationship? Or is he just going to break my heart in the long run? I mean, why would a guy truly love someone, but not be “ready” to get married? Should I stay or should I go?
Dear Lover in Limbo: I hate to break the news to you, but after three years, you’re already effectively (a-little-bit-)married. You share an apartment, a bed, a bathroom, and maybe even a cute little pooper. He’s getting reliable sex and giving you heartburn in return. Maybe this is just relationship-normal now, but, well, it certainly isn’t the “best.” Especially not for women.
And here’s the other thing: your boyfriend already knows in his gut whether or not he’s going to pop the question. This always shocks women – “What?! He already knows?!! That simple little belching high-fiving cutie McNugget already knows if he’s going to marry me or not, and he won’t tell me?!!!” Yeah, girl. Yeah, we know. Sometimes it takes months, or even years, for that feeling to travel from a turbid gut to a bended knee, but the feeling is already there. He knows. And there’s not one thing you can do to force it out of him.
Seriously. If he’s going to come around, then the signs that he’s moving, that things are shifting, and that he’s trying to commit to you should already be there. He just lacks stability (financial, occupational, emotional, etc.), support (from family, friends, or you), wisdom, or courage. These are things that can be healed with time, tenderness, and determination. These are things that can change.
But if your boy seems frustratingly consistent, and if he’s actually content to let you twist in the wind, then he may lack maturity, a core sensitivity, or faith in your relationship. If things aren’t changing, he’s hedging. And if he’s happy and hedging after three years, then you need to make like a mayor and Booker it out of there!
Question #2: The guy I like is in a relationship (he’s my Unavailable Guy). It sounds like his girlfriend is okay, but he complains about her a lot to me, and him and I have SUCH an awesome time together and tons of sexual tension. Some part of me wonders if he’s just staying with his girlfriend because I haven’t told him that I really like him yet.
Do you think I should tell him that I’m interested? I’ve heard that sometimes guys wait to have their next girl lined up, before they end a long-term relationship. Or is he just playing around with me, and would saying something just make me a homewrecker?
Dear Halfway-to-Homewrecker: By all means, stay friends and keep having a fantastic not-quite-totally-platonic-time together. Finding a guy you click with is awesome no matter what his (current) relationship status is. But please please please don’t throw yourself at Mr. Unavailable. There are at least four reasons for this.
1) He already knows you like him. Unless he’s too stupid to know, in which case he wasn’t worth your time anyway.
2) I think part of you is attracted to him because he’s unavailable; this feeling will dissipate immediately when he’s no longer with the other girl.
3) I say “when” he’s no longer with her, because his current relationship is going to die of natural causes sooner or later. If we’re in love (or even in “deep like”), guys don’t talk shit about their girlfriends to other girls.
4) (Most importantly) Any man who leaves another woman for you can leave you for another woman just as easily. You don’t want to start that vicious cycle. Really bad karma.
Wait and enjoy. Treat him as your Unavailable Guy, and let life unfold as it will.
Question #3: Two nights ago, I got drunk and slept with a guy who I’d just met at a party. FYI, that’s something I never do! But oh well.
Before we hooked up, I was actually thinking that he was genuinely funny and cute. So since I have his number, should I text him now? Or has he already written me off as an easy lay because of what happened the other night? And if I do text him, then what should I suggest we do, considering that we probably need to slow things down a bit in order to possibly “date” (if he even texts me back)?
Dear Romantic-at-Second-Thought: First of all, I am really relieved to hear that you hooked up with someone who was funny and cute. That’s a good start.
Secondly, I think you should text him now, and say something cute and possibly demure. This is the Zooey thing to do—1 part sexy, 1 part shyly self-conscious. Shake for humorous contrast and long-lasting affection. (Optional: Add good fashion and big eyes for “America’s sweetheart” status.)
As for date ideas, how about something simple, daylit, and intellectual? Coffee or brunch on a weekend would work. A museum outing could do the trick, too. The contrast will intrigue him if you do it right (and he’s not actually a sleazebag), and you’ll get to start at square one with someone who’s already sexually drawn to you. That can be a good thing.
Men are funny about sex. We spend our whole lives in pursuit of it, but thrive mostly in times when it’s being withheld somehow. We fuel ourselves with desire, but deep down we want only to be desired by another. He knows you’re into him in that way. If he’s a good guy, he’ll want your desire and affection in other ways, too. Be coy about those parts of you, and see what happens.
Image via zappowbang
dah Guy is here to answer YOUR questions about love, sex, romance, ambiguous text messages and all things post-dating. No question is too big, small or weird for him. Email him at [email protected] with “Ask a dah Guy” in the subject line to get your love quandaries answered.
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