Dear Juan Pablo,
Is it cool if I call you “JP” going forward? Awesome. I thought you’d be okay with it. Have you started reading yet? I noticed that several of your candidates for a lifetime partnership mention Dr. Seuss as their favorite author…some of his ideas become complex (one of those books is about the arms race) but the words are usually simple. You will like that. Also, these girls uniformly LOVE The Notebook (the movie, not the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel) and are desperate to go to Paris.
So while I am not entirely convinced that you were even aware that you were on a reality television program last year, fighting for the love of one Desiree (who probably settled, and good for her, right? Right), here you are, back for love.
There are a couple of requests I am going to make at the outset of this program: requests for you, requests for your lady companions…just some requests to make my job recapping this Kardashian love-interest-producing factory easier and more enjoyable than it has been.
You promise it will be different this time. JP. The only difference I can see so far is a four-hour, two-night “premiere” I have to sit through Deer Hunter-style beginning Sunday, January 5th.
(Listen, I get the gig. I know the show has all been filmed. But this ain’t the only falsehood that has been perpetrated for dramatic consistency in relation to The Bachelor, and it’s not going to be the last.)
Please force Amy J. to clarify what the romance is of the 4th of July. If it is not a reference to Neil Diamond’s “America,” force her to leave immediately.
Please have one of the following confessions come up in the magic couch conversation that always follows the obstacle-surmounting portion of the one-on-one date:
Make Lucy, 24, occupation: Free Spirit (no, really, that’s real and I am not making it up, nor am I making up the part of her bio that says “my best friend Kate Upton”) deliver on all of the promise that comes with saying that is your occupation.
I want bonkers-crazo insufferable faux-intellectual madness, JP. Make it so.
Please put Lucy and Maggie “Southern by the Grace of God” in a room together to talk about vaccinations, drug laws, and Obama. Leave your least favorite camera man and lock the door.
See you in Hell.
*Open letters are SO hot right now.
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Featured image: ABC/Craig Sjodin
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