Wow. At the rate things are going, we will have eradicated any need for awkwardness within the next ten years. Evolution at its finest! And here’s the latest offering from The School for the Avoidant – iDUMP4U.
Couched in the Tiger Text realm of evading romantic responsibility, iDUMP4U provides a service that allows you to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend without EVER having to speak to them again. For only $10, you can hire an obnoxious guy named Bradley to call your soon-to-be-ex and break up with him or her for you. You give him all the details about why you want to end the relationship (popular reasons on the site are that your boyfriend is broke, your lover is a liar, or your girlfriend has obviously fallen in love with the other girl in your threesome), and he’ll lay it all out for your dumpee. And of course, he’ll berate them in the process. You should be aware that the prices go up for engagements ($25) and divorces ($50) – which actually seems pretty reasonable, considering those “Get Divorced For Only $99!” ads that you always see on highways.
The kicker, and what makes this a truly 21st century deal, is that Bradley records every breakup conversation, edits out any identifying information, and then posts it on YouTube for everyone to hear. On his site, the clips are separated into breakup categories – Chicks, Cry, Dudes, Gays and Hilarious. My hunch is that Bradley, who physically and verbally reminds me of the repulsive best buddy in every Judd Apatow movie, hasn’t had too many opportunities to break up with girls in his own romantic life. But I’d bet that he’s been dumped before, and judging by the audio recordings on his site, he definitely knows how to talk his way around a breakup!
So here’s the freaky thing – and I swear on my “When Harry Met Sally” DVD that this is completely, totally true. At 12:13pm EST today, before I’d checked out iDUMP4U’s website and researched this Bradley guy, I received a phone call from an Iowa number. I know absolutely no one in Iowa, and the caller didn’t leave a voicemail, so I assumed that it was a wrong number.
It turns out that Bradley lives, and makes his calls, from Iowa! Which begs the question – was that Bradley calling me? Has he been hired to dump me?!
I will say that, if I AM getting dumped, then the circumstances are pretty weird. I’m under the assumption that I’m not officially dating anyone at the moment, although I suppose there’s a guy or two out there who coulddelusionallyconvince themselves otherwise. iDUMP4U seems to be frequented by people looking to break up with their significant, often live-in, supposedly monogamous partners. But why COULDN’T you use it to break up with someone who you’re non-dating? A guy who you’re just hooking up with, or overzealously networking with, ornoncommittallycuddling on the couch with…
One of the most ambiguous parts of these non-relationships is that, since you’re never officially dating, you never officially break up. Maybe he disappears off the face of the planet, or you suddenly find yourself really busy, or one of you decides to actually commit to someone else. The signals are rarely 100% clear. But hey, if we can explicitly ask for what we want in a greeting card, then why can’t we explicitly STOP wanting it via a stranger’s phone call that will end up on the internet!
But seriously, here’s the deal. I can’t stop staring at this 712 area code. I just need to know – are any of you trying to break up with me?!
Jess is the co-creator of Dating & Hookup, alongside her childhood best friend Becky Lynch, and is the author of the book - yep! - Dating & Hookup. She never tires of hearing your post-dating stories. She wants you to enjoy your love life, and is full of advice on how to do so.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
Follow me on Twitter