My brilliant and babely girlfriend lives three-stacks away at the opposite end of the country. Bummer, I know. Fortunately, we get to see each other every six weeks or so. But even in those short interims the painful absence of real skin-on-skin boning starts to take its toll and certain carnal thirsts must be quenched— and I’m not talking about masturbation. I know how to masturbate, believe me, and I’m not going to tell you how to masturbate, because, duh, you already went through that awkward and amazing period of investigating that lush landscape yourself. Unless, somehow, you’re reading this and haven’t been thirteen yet.
Even after a fruitful day of internet pornography (er, I mean, working on my novel…), the intimate closeness of the person you love is still greatly desired, if not more-so. Of course, a quilt of closeness outside of this spectrum is already developed— with various social media outlets, texting, emailing, screen sharing, calling, et al., a non-sexual intimacy is maintained easily. But how does one recreate the silent gaps of a relationship while battling the tyranny of distance?
[Disclaimer: none of this involves sexting, nor whatever LovePalz are, and most of these methods don’t even involve touching one’s self. I can have ‘sex’ without touching myself. Jelly?]
Intimate re-creation 1: MOOD LIGHTING
Every time you’re actually with your significant other, use a specific light source only for those occasions. Maybe a lava lamp if you chief on the reg, or a blacklight bulb if you’re seventeen and/or goth. When you’re missing the soft quiet of your person lying next to you, use this light to re-create the subtle lighting design of these moments. Lie perfectly still in this softness and let your imagination run wild.
PRO: Emotional sensory responses.
CON: You’re lying quietly on your bed in the dark.
Intimate re-creation 2: MUNDANE, PRIVATE SNAPCHATS
Sure, Snapchat is used for tweens and millenials to send un-screencapped (yeah, right) photos of boobies and dongs to each other. But it can also be used to send intimate snapshots of your everyday life; particularly ones that won’t end up on Instagram or Tumblr. Try sending ones of yourself on the toilet or when you wake up with sheet-creases and eye-boogers on your face. Reveal to your partner the entire, dirty spectrum of yourself.
PRO: A realistic scope of personal intimacy.
CON: The technology to send smell through a phone has yet to be developed.
Much to Anna Karina’s chagrin, Jean-Luc Godard used to write lines into his scripts the day of shooting that included, verbatim, pieces of dialogue from his and Anna’s fights from the night before. Script the last fight you and your significant other had; the more realistic, the better. Ask a friend to play the part of your absent partner and act it out like a stage play. Afterwards, masturbate in an attempt to re-create “make-up sex” (though, you should probably wait for your friend to leave before going to town on yourself).
PRO: Reminding yourself of the lows yields larger appreciation of the highs.
CON: A mix of odd emotions toward your place-filler friend.
Go the simple route and make a sock-puppet in the likeness of your boyfriend or girlfriend and start fucking it or take the time to create a detailed scarecrow version of said person and make sweet, fantasy love to him/her/it.
PRO: The implementation of pulleys and ropes can create realistic positions.
CON: You are Jeff Dunham.
Cerebral Degeneration & Olfactory Confusion
What you’ll need:
-A clean dish rag.
-A can of spray-paint (the toxic kind!).
-Your lover’s shirt.
-Excess of brain cells.
Have your boyfriend wear his favorite t-shirt to bed every night for a week, preferably without showering. Have them send you this shirt sealed in a large zip-loc bag. Cover the dish rag in spray paint and ‘huff’ the rag until you feel all like, crazy and shit. Then inhale deeply your lover’s scented garment. Go back and forth until you feel satisfied and/or pass the fuck out.
PRO: Vivid, fantastical hallucinations.
CON: Brain damage.
Bio: Alan Hanson is a writer in Los Angeles. He thinks trees know more than they're letting on. Visit him in the digital way at alan-hanson.com or @iluvbutts247.
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