I divide “BACHELOR 101: Cooking + Cleaning = Closing,” my cookbook/lifestyle guide for idiot single guys like me, into three sections: Food, Abode and Dude.

Here are some tips that can specifically help a woman prep her abode prior to a date.

Men aren’t pigs; we’re crows. If a woman follows my suggestions she will eliminate anything “shiny” that could distract us from her.

 

KITCHEN:

- Just as the kitchen serves as the nucleus of a house (where does everyone end up congregating at a party?), the refrigerator serves as the center of the kitchen. Mr. Right will make a beeline to read whatever is on your fridge, so be careful not to post anything negative – like HIV-exam reminders, or angry letters from creditors. Photos provide a particularly insightful peek into a person’s life. But we often allow our refrigerator door to grow static, forgetting to change the pictures for months or even years. Does yours have any photos you don’t want him to see? Check the outside of your fridge, ladies.

- Guys like a woman who isn’t uber-focused on her diet, a la the stereotypical first date where she only orders a salad. That said, we don’t want to romance someone who has the Costco Pringles-Pack conveniently placed within easy, greasy reach, either. Having said that, you may get a marriage proposal if you end up back at your place after a night of drinking and you whip out a can of Sour Cream and Onion chips.

LIVING ROOM:

- I once went back to a sexy woman’s apartment after our first date. Things were heating up quite nicely when I glanced down on the coffee table and saw the book, “How to Get A Man to Propose.” She was more than a little surprised when I hurdled the dining room table on the way out the door. Actually, I just searched for that title on Amazon, but did not find an exact match. I did, however, find several other books that cover this material (one of which had to be hers). Most women want to get married, so obviously doing your homework is smart. But we don’t want to know you’re doing your homework. Hide your textbooks, ladies.

- Bridal magazines on the coffee table = psycho-on-board.

- Too many pictures of just you and your Daddy will create the impression that you already have an ideal man in your life. Insecure guys won’t be able to handle that.

- Baggage. You all have it. But in this case, I’m referring to actual luggage. I flew to Utah for a ski weekend with a new girlfriend and nearly threw my back out when I lifted her suitcase. Her ski boots were in a separate bag, so the tonnage was just clothes. “You know we’re only going away for three nights, right?” She did not appreciate my tone. Great start to the trip. Sure enough, she had to pay the fee at the check-in counter because the luggage was over 75 pounds. (If a man agrees to pay that fee, propose marriage on the spot, since that guy is a keeper. Or, at the very least, welcome him to the Mile High Club once you’re on the plane.) Tough to claim you’re a low maintenance gal when you anticipate changing outfits more often than Lady Gaga. Ah, but what does that have to do with your apartment? When a gentleman spots a suitcase that can double as a storage locker, he will immediately project ahead to lugging that bad boy down four flights of stairs and sweating with embarrassment at the check-in counter; neither of which will increase his desire to squire you away for a romantic weekend. Hide your huge suitcases, ladies.

BATHROOM:

- Stand in front of your toilet like you’re a guy tinkling. (If you wanna circle your hips to see why we can’t aim, go crazy.) Now, look in front of you. This is what Mr. Right will be staring at for 10-60 seconds at a clip. Worried yet? If you have those vertical storage shelves above the commode, be sure to check every one of the boxes and baskets for potential dangers, i.e. prescription bottles, Extra Strength bikini line Neet, etc. If you are shorter than 5’ 6”, go get something to stand on. Now, examine the storage area again to get a boy’s eye view of things.

- Guys don’t want to see tampons. In fact, guys don’t want to consider the existence or need for tampons. (Sorry. Our bodies may be adult, but our minds are still pre-pubescent.) It doesn’t matter if you keep your feminine napkins in a cute, frilly little basket. Seeing a pile of Tampax will make Mr. Right think you need all of those Tampax because you are an active volcano of menstruation. And that is not an image that will entice him to get his face in the place. (Men don’t even like the word “menstruation;” in fact, just typing it right now made me grimace.) Hide the tampons, ladies.

BEDROOM

I don’t have a lot of advice here, as women generally keep their boudoirs neat when a man visits. But I would recommend a last minute check for overflowing clothes hampers. This being late 2010, most men can do their own laundry, so they don’t need a wife for that. However, they want to think a woman can at least handle the job. Overflowing hampers, uh, hamper your convincing him of that fact.

Lastly…Guys very rarely know what we want, but – Damn visual creatures that we are! – we know what we don’t want when we see it. Do yourself a favor and hide those potential distractions – at least until it’s too late for us to run.

Jamie Reidy is a Notre Dame alum and former US Army officer. His first book, “HARD SELL: The Evolution of a Viagra Salesman,” is out in paperback and is the basis for the movie LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway. Jamie’s second book, “Bachelor 101: Cooking + Cleaning = Closing,” is a cookbook/lifestyle guide for idiot single guys just like him.