Ladies, I still occasionally get the urge to update my Facebook status with dramatic song lyrics. But I don’t (usually), because it’s corny, and because when I do, I feel just like my junior high self, plastering AIM away messages with gems like
the *~angel~* from my ++NiGhTmArE++
I mean, who didn’t secretly envision herself as the spidery temptress of Blink-182′s “I Miss You”? That’s just one of those songs that appeals to a
woman junior high girl on a visceral level. We all want to be unforgettable–we all want to be someone’s muse, preferably Leonard Cohen’s Justin Timberlake’s (“shit so sick got a hit and picked up a habit?” um that’s cute).
The great thing about the following songs is that they’re not just about hot bitches or whatever the rappers are singing about these days. The women who haunt these lyrics are multidimensional, and who doesn’t want to be remembered in 3D? These songs encapsulate a type of woman who is both sexy and mysterious, good and bad, tortured and powerful. (Except maybe the Justin Bieber one.) And I’m pretty sure all these songs were written about me. They were probably written about you, too.
1. “I Put a Spell On You” (sung by everyone from CCR to Nina Simone–but Nina kills it best)
What? I totally sing this line to my man: I put a spell on you/because you’re mine
This is the ultimate song for any woman with an ex still lurking in the wings of her emotional theater. The witchy woman archetype has been around for much longer than this song, but these lyrics epitomize it best. As much as we girls may pride ourselves on our artistic and professional achievements during the daylight, there comes an insomniac night at 3 AM when lightening crackles outside our windows and all we want is to drive someone crazy with black magic.
2. “Girlfriend” by *NSync/”Leavin’” by Jesse McCartney/”Boyfriend” by Justin Bieber (depending on your generation and level of shamelessness)
Cute boys pretty much yell this line when I walk down the street: I’ve searched around this whole damn place/and everything says you were meant to be/my girlfriend
Every boy band worth their weight in groupies has written a “break up with your boyfriend and date me, you beautiful nymph” song, and though they may be corny–and slightly invasive–they’re as effective as matching iridescent snow suits at making chicks fall for you. Even when I was a young single thing in college running from creative nonfiction class to sorority “crush parties,” I still totally thought these types of songs were about me. This was also the time in my life when I had a “breakup” playlist, despite not having a bf. So thanks, JT/JM/JB, for the totally healthy fantasy existence you gave me circa the time I was really into Spiderman t-shirts from the little boy’s section at Target.
3. “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac
The tasteful quote that I put at the top of my resume: rings like a bell in the night/and wouldn’t you love to love her
Stevie Nicks wrote this song about “a long, cool woman in a black dress,” which I’m pretty sure is what I look like when I put on my $12 poly-blend H&M t-shirt dress, RIGHT?! This song describes the type of haunting lover that we all want to be in our darker moods: elusive, unsurpassable, and compared to both birds and cats in the same breath.
4. “Girl” by the Beatles*
Don’t lie, you’ve all secretly envisioned yourself as: the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry
Yeah this song is sexy, yeah this song is cool, BUT IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU IT’S ABOUT MARIJUANA.
5. “Girl” by Beck*
Leonardo DiCaprio is definitely thinking about me when he hears: with a noose, she can hang from the sun/and put it out with her dark sunglasses
Anyone who’s ever envisioned herself as a manic-hippie-muse type of lady has probably worn a toy diamond ring while staring into the sun for too long and listening to Beck. She has also probably dreamed about making this song her Twitter bio.
6. “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke
The quote my freshman year crush is totally about to text me any minute now: swag on, even when you dress casual/I mean, it’s almost unbearable
I know it’s still new, but I can’t tell you how many of my friends get that particular “omg itz my jam” look on their faces when this catchy number comes on the radio. And I don’t judge, because the first time I heard this song I was driving along Highway 55, wearing some freaky cool fake Ray Bans and singing at the top of my lungs and thinking THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT EVERY GUY THINKS OF ME. Hey, a good girl who can’t be domesticated can dream, right? Embarrassing confessions aside, I really admire this song for creating a simultaneously coy/alluring/dirty/appealing portrait of a club girl in a way that Usher has never quite managed to do. Who doesn’t want to be the nice girl with a bad secret?
6. “Just Like a Woman” by Bob Dylan
I’ll probably be simultaneously proposed to by five different men to the tune of: her fog, her amphetamine, and her pearls
She makes love just like a woman, and she aches just like a woman, but she breaks just like a little girl? BOB GETS US ALL. Show me a girl who doesn’t secretly think this song is about her and I’ll show you a girl who doesn’t realize that we all need to be Edie Sedgwick. This is one of the most pervasive love(ish) songs ever. Circa 2005, the chorus featured prominently in most of my friends’ “About Me” sections on Facebook. Case closed.
Admittedly, this is only a fraction of the great songs that paint mesmerizing pictures of women. And this list is very much colored by my personal taste. I clearly just want to be a witch. What songs were totally written about you?
*Or any other song with some version of the word “girl” in the title: My Girl, Totes My Girl, Ur My Girl, OMG Ur So My Girl, My Girl is So Beautiful and Smart and Great at Cooking Certain Dishes, etc.
thanks, Wikimedia, for the photo!
Tori Telfer is a living GIF from Chicago(ish) who spends her days pretending to be a screenwriter. She writes social commentary for the modern creeper over at toridotgov.com.
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