Neuroses shows no preference to gender. Over the course of their lives, both men and women will spend too much time devoted to deciphering mixed messages from the opposite sex. There’s no avoiding it; humans have created a complex language and too many channels in which to use it. Messages, especially those of the written variety, can be particularly tricky because they can be sent at any time, and lack any tone whatsoever. Not even the most detailed string of emojis can help in most cases.
To give you a little context for this heartfelt text message, it was sent completely out of the blue, hours after a meaningless chit chat exchange. One of my best friends graciously offer up this gem from a guy whom she met on a trip. She pursued a casual relationship for a short time upon their return, until he fucked everything up. This text came about six months after they ended things. Here are 5 ways this dumb-ass text can be interpreted.
1. A light-hearted message; almost like a friendly punch in the arm.
“You know…you’re alright, sorry some bum shit happened and you felt bad, maybe. Let’s grab a cold one.”
2. A really mean jab at your weight.
“You know you’re a great (read: great in size…AKA fat) girl. Sorry if you feel slighted (read: thin, skinny, beautiful).”
3. A classic case of victim reversal.
“Ugh, you already KNOW you’re a great girl so why the hell are you making ME feel bad? Sorry if you feel slighted, but I probably feel way worse. So there. Nanny nanny poo poo.”
4. A forced apology that he totally didn’t mean.
“Ok fine. You’re a great girl. Blah blah blah. You already know that. Sorry if you feel slighted or shitty or whatever. Can I go now?”
5. Drunken blubbery mess of emotional vomit.
“You know you’re a great girl. You’re the best I’m ever going to do. How did I fuck up so bad?? Sorry if you feel slighted. You’re better than that.. I’m going to go home and cry, but I won’t jerk off because I don’t deserve that.”
Clearly #5 is the most plausible and probably…but YOU JUST NEVER EFFING KNOW!
Heather is a contributing editor at the-dah. She is a Los Angeles based writer, improviser, snacker, social media mistress, and aspiring adult. Read more of her food-stained stories about growing up weird at Terrible-Twenties.com, or follow her digital alter ego @MissHezah on Twitter.
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