It seems like each year is more complex than the last, and you’re never exactly where you started 365 days prior. It’s hard to know whether you’ll be in love, heartbroken, or completely apathetic on any given February 14^th.  Here are the five different types of Valentine’s Day scenarios you could be experiencing today.

1.      The Marrieds

Chances are, you marrieds are still getting used to those heavy metal finger weights. Once legally bound, it’s like a brand new relationship. Perhaps there was a slump during the third or fourth V-Day in the boyfriend/girlfriend days of yesteryear, but glory be! Romance hath been restored in the kingdom! The peasants rejoice as you look at your newly minted husband or wife with a renewed sense of love and adoration.  Sex will happen for reals tonight!

The Celebration:

With two incomes, you guys are living large with Scrooge McDuck in the cash pit. This certainly calls for an excuse to Treat Yo Self. Baby, get on Yelp and find somewhere expensive, or better yet, call our other married friends who make way more money than us. Where did they go for their anniversary  Inflated checking accounts also mean no excuses in the gift department. It’s probably fair to start expecting jewellery  Remember, every kiss begins at Kay’s.

 

2.      The Live-Ins

We are soooo comfortable with each other. This guy? You mean the lump who watches ESPN and eats all my lunch snacks? That girl who won’t admit her snoring causes me to sleep to at my desk every day? The hot piece of ass who traded miniskirts for a snuggie? Yeah, we have been riding that comfortable plateau of love for like, ever and are therefore above that whole holiday hoopla. Save the hearts, cupids, and candies for those crazy kids who just fell in love. Let ‘em have it; we cohabitors have work tomorrow.

The Celebration:

Ordering in Chinese food with a six pack of cheap beer, while sitting in two-day old pajamas. You probably couldn’t be happier if you were pigs in mud, because you’re pretty much there already.

 

3.      A Year In

I love you. No, I love you. But I love you more. Blah, blah we get it; you’re in love and you want the world to know. Your real deep seeded flaws might not have surfaced, so everything is coming up roses. Speaking of roses, I’m going to send you a dozen…to your office. This way, not one person will question my heightened (a little much for this age) feelings for you. Your co- workers will ooh and ahh and secretly seethe as they sit back down to their desk to stalk their ex on every social media outlet, compulsively stuffing office chocolate in their mouths.

The Celebration:

After you are surprised (not really, you’ve been hinting for weeks that no one has ever done that for you) by the delivered red roses, you are swept off your feet to a romantic mid-level dining experience, to which you are both overly dressed. You give each other an excessive amount of presents to in an effort to impress, when you’re really just happy to spend time together.

 

4.      The New Relationship

The worst right?? Endless insecurities and questions. You haven’t DTR, so you have no idea where you stand. Maybe you’re fine with that; relationships can be really scary! Perhaps you’re hoping THIS IS THE NIGHT it goes to the next level. Either way, it’s bound to be a clusterfuck of second and third guessing. Whatever advice your friends give, solicited or not, it’s wrong. DON’T LISTEN TO THEM. They are all either in long term relationships or really single, so none of them can recall this paralyzing state of limbo. Basically, trust no one.

The Celebration

Dinner? Movie? Getting dumped? Staying in with a bottle of a wine? Who the hells knows! It’s a veritable grab bag of emotions and plans. The night could very well be spent with the covers up to your nose, as you burn a whole into your phone with your eyes, willing it to buzz with a text message. All of this angst would have been avoided with simple honesty and communication, but you aren’t there yet.

 

5.      Single

a.      Bitter

You pretty much don’t want to get out of bed. It’s impossible to be happy for anyone today because you have dug yourself into a hole so deep, you can no longer see the light. That might explain why you chose to wear an entirely black outfit. Maybe you’ve just been dumped, or you’re in the midst of a very dry love spell. Either way, no one loves you today, and everyone is going to hear about it. You can’t even listen to Ke$ha on your drive to work. No, it’s an T-Swift day today. Girlfriend knows heartbreak.

The Celebration:

You might partake in an Anti-Valentine’s Day party, where you will get shit-faced and rant about the evils of Hallmark. Or, you just might go home and cry in the privacy of your own home while you binge on a box of See’s. At least there is a steady stream of bad rom-coms on Lifetime. Is it the 15^thyet?

b.     Apathetic

You go to make coffee in the kitchen at work and wonder why there is so much god-damn candy everywhere. Is it someone’s birthday?

The Celebration:

N/A

c.      Happy

You are so comfortable with being single, that you can honestly feel happiness for those who are feeling the love tonight. In fact, you’re just glad there’s one a day a year when wearing pink and red together are acceptable. The bounty of candy is a veritable treasure, and you might even welcome a flirty message from someone in your past

The Celebration:

A happy hour with your girlfriends, or your guys that lasts way too long and ends with an unexpected hookup.

 

How will you be spending your  Valentine’s Day?

 

Always a big thank you to https://xkcd.com for the comic!