Lost is the art of making someone you care about, or someone you’re trying to convince care about you, a mix-tape. I recall my now forty-something cousins sitting by the radio with a tape in the deck waiting to hit record. The 80′s were all about the time and effort poured into crafting artful arrangements that expressed FEELINGS. Remember when CDs and tapes were still being used in tandem? Eventually the technicalities became more refined, what with the ability to take a collection of your CDs, pick your goopiest tracks, and assemble a mix tape, well CD, but millennials love nostalgia. Technology was so advanced you not only got to pick the songs but the order as well. The experience became even easier, and probably less meaningful, with the advent of CD burners.

Now that CD’s are now used as spare coasters, and the fine art of fitting “Time After Time” onto the A side is dead, the best way to express what you’re feeling without using your words are emoticons and likes. The mix-tape of today lives on Youtube, Spotify, other stuff on the internet – and they all give you the ability to assemble playlists, faster and more efficient than ever before. With that in mind, here are some simple guidelines to crafting the perfect digital mix-tape through different stages of a relationship:

1) In the beginning

This list should be all about you – send this after your 2nd or 3rd date to teach them about who you are in 14 tracks or less. Take them on a journey of your musical evolution; show them how you got to where you are today. It should be eclectic by nature, so start with something you’re listening to now and work your way back in time (also not a bad addition from Huey Lewis and The News). Keep it relatively contemporary at first, but after a few tracks really dig deep into your past and by all means do not be afraid to rock out to Guster or O.A.R.

Example playlist:

Blurred Lines – Robin Thicke featuring Pharrell Williams and T.I.

Oblivion – Grimes

Beth/Rest – Bon Iver

Dance Yrslf Clean – LCD Soundsystem

Love Lockdown – Kanye West

Wake Up – Arcade Fire

Be Mine! – Robyn

Hey Ya – Outkast

The General – Dispatch

Everything in its Right Place – Radiohead

Fell in Love with a Girl – White Stripes

Is This It – Strokes

Suzy Greenberg – Phish

Sprawl II – Arcade Fire

2) The relationship is hitting its stride

Alright, you’ve seen each other naked multiple times, high fives all round! By now you should know how shitty your significant other’s taste in music can be. I believe Taylor Swift said it best, “…And you would hide away and find your peace of mind/With some indie record that’s much cooler than mine.” At this point it’s still too soon to have a playlist that defines you as a couple, so I suggest shoving down their throat everything you are listening to today. Be bold with this one; assert your dominance in the relationship, most of these songs will be tired in 2 weeks anyway.

Example playlist:

Party in the NSA – Yacht

The Wire – Haim

I Can Hardly Make you Mine – Cults

Your Life is a Lie – MGMT

Let Me Show You – Cut Copy

Trying to be Cool – Phoenix Featuring R. Kelly

Make it Up – The Blow

Sunday – Earl Sweatshirt Featuring Frank Ocean

Night Still Comes – Neko Case

UNBREAK my Mixtape – MIA

3) Holy shit we’re still together

Alright, you’re 10 months in. You’ve spoken to your parents about this person who consumes your life, and hey, maybe they may have even met your parents. That shit’s crazy. This mix-tape has to be all about US, WE, OUR.  Take into account everything significant that’s occurred in your relationship and condense it into one memorable playlist; this one’s going to define your relationship. You should include the song you first made love to, the song you first fucked to, the song she gave you that very memorable blow job where she did that one thing with her tongue and index finger that she hasn’t done since, throw in a song or two you danced to, a song from their childhood (this is a good place to put in that ukulele version of Somewhere over the Rainbow or Rainbow Connection), something funny, something classic, something sad, something glad and end it with YOUR song.

Example playlist (in order of suggestions above):

Surgeon – St. Vincent

Play Your Part – Girl Talk

Losing You – Solange*

Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison

Get Low – Lil Jon

Rainbow Connection – Kermit the Frog

Everybody – Backstreet Boys

I Did It My Way – Frank Sinatra

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want – The Smiths

Fast Car – Tracy Chapman

4) We Are Never Getting Back Together

Well that was fun while it lasted, back to the drawing board. Time to renew your gym membership, update your OKCupid profile, buy new socks (I don’t know why my exes have all of my socks) and start putting yourself out there because it’s game over man. Sure you grew as a person and this relationship will go on to define how your next relationships will play out, but for now you are a miserable sack of shit. This mix-tape is for you, Ben & Jerry and your sweat pants.

Example playlist:

Taylor Swift – The Red Album

 

*Seriously if anyone knows that one issue of Cosmo where they gave tips on giving a blow job please forward me that article, I’d like to include it in my next column – Required Reading To Define Your Relationship.

Thank you Scrutiny Hooligans for the cool cartoon!