Lost is the art of making someone you care about, or someone you’re trying to convince care about you, a mix-tape. I recall my now forty-something cousins sitting by the radio with a tape in the deck waiting to hit record. The 80′s were all about the time and effort poured into crafting artful arrangements that expressed FEELINGS. Remember when CDs and tapes were still being used in tandem? Eventually the technicalities became more refined, what with the ability to take a collection of your CDs, pick your goopiest tracks, and assemble a mix tape, well CD, but millennials love nostalgia. Technology was so advanced you not only got to pick the songs but the order as well. The experience became even easier, and probably less meaningful, with the advent of CD burners.
Now that CD’s are now used as spare coasters, and the fine art of fitting “Time After Time” onto the A side is dead, the best way to express what you’re feeling without using your words are emoticons and likes. The mix-tape of today lives on Youtube, Spotify, other stuff on the internet – and they all give you the ability to assemble playlists, faster and more efficient than ever before. With that in mind, here are some simple guidelines to crafting the perfect digital mix-tape through different stages of a relationship:
This list should be all about you – send this after your 2nd or 3rd date to teach them about who you are in 14 tracks or less. Take them on a journey of your musical evolution; show them how you got to where you are today. It should be eclectic by nature, so start with something you’re listening to now and work your way back in time (also not a bad addition from Huey Lewis and The News). Keep it relatively contemporary at first, but after a few tracks really dig deep into your past and by all means do not be afraid to rock out to Guster or O.A.R.
Blurred Lines – Robin Thicke featuring Pharrell Williams and T.I.
Oblivion – Grimes
Beth/Rest – Bon Iver
Dance Yrslf Clean – LCD Soundsystem
Love Lockdown – Kanye West
Wake Up – Arcade Fire
Be Mine! – Robyn
Hey Ya – Outkast
The General – Dispatch
Everything in its Right Place – Radiohead
Fell in Love with a Girl – White Stripes
Is This It – Strokes
Suzy Greenberg – Phish
Sprawl II – Arcade Fire
Alright, you’ve seen each other naked multiple times, high fives all round! By now you should know how shitty your significant other’s taste in music can be. I believe Taylor Swift said it best, “…And you would hide away and find your peace of mind/With some indie record that’s much cooler than mine.” At this point it’s still too soon to have a playlist that defines you as a couple, so I suggest shoving down their throat everything you are listening to today. Be bold with this one; assert your dominance in the relationship, most of these songs will be tired in 2 weeks anyway.
Party in the NSA – Yacht
The Wire – Haim
I Can Hardly Make you Mine – Cults
Your Life is a Lie – MGMT
Let Me Show You – Cut Copy
Trying to be Cool – Phoenix Featuring R. Kelly
Make it Up – The Blow
Sunday – Earl Sweatshirt Featuring Frank Ocean
Night Still Comes – Neko Case
UNBREAK my Mixtape – MIA
Alright, you’re 10 months in. You’ve spoken to your parents about this person who consumes your life, and hey, maybe they may have even met your parents. That shit’s crazy. This mix-tape has to be all about US, WE, OUR. Take into account everything significant that’s occurred in your relationship and condense it into one memorable playlist; this one’s going to define your relationship. You should include the song you first made love to, the song you first fucked to, the song she gave you that very memorable blow job where she did that one thing with her tongue and index finger that she hasn’t done since, throw in a song or two you danced to, a song from their childhood (this is a good place to put in that ukulele version of Somewhere over the Rainbow or Rainbow Connection), something funny, something classic, something sad, something glad and end it with YOUR song.
Surgeon – St. Vincent
Play Your Part – Girl Talk
Losing You – Solange*
Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison
Get Low – Lil Jon
Rainbow Connection – Kermit the Frog
Everybody – Backstreet Boys
I Did It My Way – Frank Sinatra
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want – The Smiths
Fast Car – Tracy Chapman
Well that was fun while it lasted, back to the drawing board. Time to renew your gym membership, update your OKCupid profile, buy new socks (I don’t know why my exes have all of my socks) and start putting yourself out there because it’s game over man. Sure you grew as a person and this relationship will go on to define how your next relationships will play out, but for now you are a miserable sack of shit. This mix-tape is for you, Ben & Jerry and your sweat pants.
Taylor Swift – The Red Album
*Seriously if anyone knows that one issue of Cosmo where they gave tips on giving a blow job please forward me that article, I’d like to include it in my next column – Required Reading To Define Your Relationship.
Thank you Scrutiny Hooligans for the cool cartoon!
Elvis Mattingly is a lot of things. He’s been described by many as a passionate lover but by most as an asshole. He has a background in graphology, however he refused his diploma when upon reading his name he concluded the calligrapher was not sincere when she wrote it. He believes he has a profound understanding of the human condition but cannot explain why that is. He recently came to the conclusion that he would have made a great dentist.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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