It’s only been two days since you tore out my heart and, as you can see, I have forgotten all about you. I have, of course, blocked your Instagram feed as to not be exposed to your petty meanderings, especially now that you’ve freed me from being a reluctant girlfriend. I assume you, however, were quick to realize your grave mistake and have been tirelessly following all my virtual conduits in order to recreate some semblance of what we had, however fragmentary and unrequited. Hard to imagine the acerbic aftertaste this week’s stream has given you – sorry I’m not sorry.
9:32PM @ boozysusie party all day errryday #lovingsinglelife #mondayfunday
Here I am out at that hip new dive bar (you need a password) with my best friend, Susie – who never liked you – and it’s only Monday. How is that for moving on? I just couldn’t wait until the end of the week for the fun to begin. Do you see us doing the kissy face? We’re so fucking adorable. It may look like we’re looking at the lens but we’re actually flirting with a couple of stallions behind the camera. Things got pretty crazy after that. Let’s just say I will never look at suspenders the same way again.
12:35PM so hungover but totes worth it!! / #isitfridayyet
Here’s a photo of me at the office with my jumbo bottle of Advil and a Venti coffee doing a really cute pouty face. It’s pretty incredible how fresh-faced I look after the crazy aforementioned events of last night – and it has nothing to do with the Hefe filter. Last night, I’m not going to go into detail but, again, just to make it clear, shit got real. There were hot tubs and hot dogs, and all types of illegal things happening that will make my youth worth remembering. Can’t really think of many nights like that with you, David – not that I’m thinking about you. When would I have time!?
8:29PM @sexyback78 @djligndbwuwn hot AND talented!? i’d let him spin my record #VIP #holla
I bet you’re regretting refreshing your feed because here I am again! I puked in my boss’s private bathroom at lunch but that won’t hold me down – too friggin’ psyched for all the single fun life has to offer. Here I am at the incredibly exclusive VIP show for that DJ who’s about to break – got a last minute ticket from one of my super-connected friends, never introduced you to him, not really your crowd. That’s right, that’s me with the man of the hour. I’m backstage, nbd. I wonder how you spent your Tuesday, David? Did you order in Indian food like we always used to and watch New Girl? Oh wait, I don’t give a shit. Have fun snuggling up to that throw pillow I got you.
7:15PM @roblicious_84lakers candid! #favepersonever <3 #cheesyfries
Here I am having dinner at our favorite restaurant that I don’t even associate with you anymore. Nope, your eyes are not deceiving you – just grabbing a quick bite with your best friend, Rob. Isn’t his mid-chew smile so awkward in this picture? Too cute. Remember when you accused me of flirting with him just because I nibbled on his ear as a freaking joke at your family’s Thanksgiving dinner? Well, turns out sexual tension like ours can’t be stifled. You haven’t told him we broke up – probably because you’re still mourning – so I had to pretend I needed help planning your surprise birthday party. But after the sparks that were flying over our cheesy fries I doubt he’ll remember my little lie. I bet it’ll be pretty rough for you losing two such close people at the same time, but that stopped being my problem when you liked that bitch Heather’s string bikini photo. Where did she even take that? It’s the middle of fucking January.
3:35PM I’m on a boat! #highseasmofos
Just going through my list of things you said we were going to do and never did. Wait, what? Psh, as if I kept a list! Anyways, there’s no way I’d be having this unfathomable amount of fun if you were here. Here I am renting that silly rickety catamaran at the park lake – being all cute, just splashing around. And I totally know that dude I’m pedaling with, he wasn’t just the stranger next in line. He really gets me, has that ugly-hot thing going for him, too, that I’m super into it.
4:55PM so many #boobs! I don’t think I’m supposed to be taking pics in here! #happyhoursomewhere
This next one? I’m at that seedy strip club we always wanted to go to as a joke, just makin’ it rain. Trixie sure knows how to put on a show, so what if it’s still light outside. As you can see there are a lot of sketchy characters in this picture so it may look like my facial expression is that of fear, but it’s actually of genuine, insuppressible excitement about finally being able to do whatever, whenever with whoever the fuck I want. How did I wait this long to come to this joint?
6:26PM puppy lurve! #neveraloneagain #dogsovermen
This one – sort of looks like my face is swollen from permanent crying, but it’s that Nashville filter playing tricks on ya! That’s me adopting a puppy from a shelter and not because you always said you wanted a dog. Is there anything in the whole wide world cuter than a cute girl and a cute, homeless puppy? Negatory! I’m naming it David, I fucking heart Bowie. Except for, of course, our song – whichever one that was.
In conclusion, David, not that I’ve been checking my phone every 1-3 minutes, but I’m glad you decided to spare yourself the embarrassment of any win-me-back grand gestures (like hand-delivering one of those painfully overpriced hydrangea arrangements that I love and serenading my with an acoustic cover of Katy Perry’s “The One That Got Away”). I have not, I repeat, have not compiled a list of potent movie-sourced rejection quotes just in case you decide to.
Maria Melnik is a writers’ assistant on cable show about pirates, which has had a profound effect on her understanding of the morality spectrum. When not pillaging, she enjoys long, immobile, hours on her couch with her televised and fictional love affairs, punctuated by some (more narratively-disjointed and wine-fueled) real ones. You can follow her shamefully recent Twitter debut at @_mariamelnik.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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