I’m taking a stand. Here. Now. This second.
I’m sick of everyone being able to celebrate how goddamned long they’ve been in a relationship…when I’m supposedly a loser for being alone. You have your one-month anniversaries, your five-year anniversaries, your golden and silver and whateverthehell else kind of symbolic metal anniversaries, and everyone showers you with gifts. Woopdi-shit. I’m just fucking sick of it.
I want my own party! Someone needs to give me presents for being single.
This outburst is in light of another wedding invitation I received in the mail yesterday. I was thinking to myself, no one gives me presents for being single. No one throws rice or blows bubbles at me because I DON’T have a long-term boyfriend. Who says that I’m supposed to even want that?! I mean, I DO. But every year that I don’t have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, I’m made by the media to think that I’m some kind of deformed leper-franken-quasimoto-zombie. It’s ridiculous.
I propose (yes, propose) that we single people start having Singleversaries. The Singleversary is the day when you can be proud that you’ve lived this much of your life without being codependent, abused, thwarted, held back or emotionally sabotaged by a relationship.
Now, I know that not every relationship is codependent or shackles the people in them, and I know plenty of VERY happy married and long-term dating couples. But I’m advocating that there are just as many HAPPY UN-married UN-paired UN-”dating-and-maybe-they’re-the-one!” people in the world – and that we should have our own kind of celebration.
Why make us feel like we’re second-class, just because we’re not in a relationship?
My first Singleversary will be on July 20th. I believe that’s the day when I broke up with my last real boyfriend. That was four years ago.
I’m going to be showering myself with gifts and all sorts of other things, and I urge you to do the same. I’m going to be registering gifts for my Singleversary at Bed, Bath & Beyond, Macy’s and Barney’s and will be creating a really awesome iPad wishlist (because shh-don’t tell, I think I’m in love with my iPad). This should ensure that those of you with varying tastes and tax brackets can give me the most lavish gift you can afford, on what will be my 4th consecutive year of singledom. How many of you can boast THOSE kinds of numbers?
This is something to celebrate. I’ve gotten to know me more in these four years than I EVER could have, if I’d been in a relationship – and I defy anyone to prove that’s not the case.
Hyperbole aside, there’s nothing WRONG with us for being single. Some people like being single. I actually enjoy being single a lot of the time. And yes, this whole notion of a Singleversary is absurd, but so are birthday parties, bridal showers, proms, Oscar™ parties and basically all other social gatherings, when you closely look at them.
I think that we need to really examine how we as a society treat single people – especially now that we are deep into the Internet age.
Un-wed mothers are looked down upon, and without any reason at all – they’re even blamed for slumps in the economy (though they represent less than one percent of what’s used in the welfare system). Single candidates for public office are told it’s a liability. One of the only times single people are ever marketed to is when an industry is claiming to help them become less single: i.e. to make them more attractive so they can find a mate quicker (see: the endless ads for online dating sites). And, the biggest fuck-you: married people get tax breaks, and for what…because being married costs…more?
Not hardly: married people often live together and share expenses. So why should they get ANOTHER break just because they’ve entered into a government sanctioned legal contract? Why shouldn’t I get a tax break for being self-sufficient and taking care of my own goddamned self? I can see giving people tax breaks for having kids – they’re expensive and generate no income, unless you make them child models. But my belief, and one that I’m surely not alone in having, is that a single person shouldn’t be given a tax penalty just because he’s NOT in a relationship.
This just furthers my point that we need to start celebrating our singleness – and I don’t mean by getting shit-faced and hooking up. I mean by saying, ‘you’re fuckin’ right I’m single, and I’m proud of who I am.’
I’m going to have a Singleversary party soon, and you’re invited. I’ll give you a free beer if you bring me a guy I can make out with.
You’ll also note that Singleversary™ has been trademarked. This is because when Hallmark™ comes and steals my idea so that they can market cards to single people, I want to be able to make them pay for it.
This piece was originally posted on the always entertaining T is for Tiger.
The non-militant, post-dating gay operative with a military sounding name. I'm a new-media fanatic and sometimes writer. Working on a novel in the post-novel world. Hit me up if you need to know the appropriate way to tell your gay friend to go fuck himself for being a selfish bitch. I'm really good at that:)
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