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Dear Sweetie,
Just like you, I am grateful for love, grateful for companionship, and excited to be “doing it” consistently. I like you a whole lot, okay.
Yet – and this may come as an epiphany to you – I am both man and human being. I am flawed and gifted and funny and pathetic, all in the same breath. And this means that, sometimes, I will spend long nights drinking Stone IPA and playing Bioshock. But I’m not trying to hurt you, I promise. Don’t overthink it. A man is only a dude.
And besides, look on the bright side.
1. I don’t do meth.
2. I don’t stand above you while you sleep, quietly watching your every breath.
3. I don’t look at my watch, ever, while you talk.
4. I don’t steal money out of your purse because I have a real problem.
5. I don’t ever, ever try to make you touch my butthole.
6. I don’t take off, out of the blue and return months later, fifty pounds lighter, missing teeth.
7. I don’t have a vestigial twin face on my back that talks in mono-syllabic, spitting expletives.
8. I don’t constantly ask for threesomes.
9. I don’t constantly ask for foursomes.
10. I don’t make you carry The Heavy Things.
11. I don’t make you watch me play videogames a la Clockwork Orange apparatus.
12. I don’t go into coma states and return to consciousness with a different personality.
13. I don’t talk about how much I like Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 or how many times I have prestiged in said game (Many, many times FYI).
14. I don’t point at other women and say, “See? Now THAT’S pretty.”
15. I don’t smell of menthol.
16. I don’t fight in a fight club. (Only because I know you would worry.)
17. I don’t take up model trains as a hobby, due to room constraints.
18. I don’t fly into chair-throwing rages if my mother is mentioned in a negative light.
19. I don’t force you to play Dungeons & Dragons, unless we need a cleric.
20. I don’t nod quietly, pretending I’m listening to Whatever Thing You’re Saying This Time, but actually thinking about Something Else.
Love,
Me
Image via PopCultureGeek.com.
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